There are always two things happening in our minds:
#1: The facts of our situation: This is something that could be proven in a court of law. It is void of emotion and just staring the facts. Facts are neutral.
#2: Our story about the facts/drama: This is what we are choosing to make the facts mean. These stories or dramas are usually emotionally charged.
For example:
Fact: I have X amount in my bank account. Drama: I will never own a home!
Fact: My Partner hasn't responded to my text yet. Drama: They don't love me anymore"
Fact: I have a deadline for a work project. Drama: I'm going to fail!
Fact: My friend said they are feeling overwhelmed Drama: It is my job to manage their overwhelm.
When we focus on the drama rather than the math, it can cloud our judgment.
Take a step back, slow it down, and see what shifting your story could create.
If you're unable to create a positive story, see if you can create a more neutral one.
There are always two things happening in our minds:
#1: The facts of our situation: This is something that could be proven in a court of law. It is void of emotion and just staring the facts. Facts are neutral.
#2: Our story about the facts/drama: This is what we are choosing to make the facts mean. These stories or dramas are usually emotionally charged.
For example:
Fact: I have X amount in my bank account. Drama: I will never own a home!
Fact: My Partner hasn't responded to my text yet. Drama: They don't love me anymore"
Fact: I have a deadline for a work project. Drama: I'm going to fail!
Fact: My friend said they are feeling overwhelmed Drama: It is my job to manage their overwhelm.
When we focus on the drama rather than the math, it can cloud our judgment.
Take a step back, slow it down, and see what shifting your story could create.
If you're unable to create a positive story, see if you can create a more neutral one.
Well, hello and welcome back. So today we're going to be exploring the idea of math. versus drama. Now, math is the facts of the situation. These are things we can prove in a court of law. These are all neutral. Okay? That's the math. The drama is whatever we're choosing to make the math mean. It's our thoughts and ideas and opinions or beliefs around the math, around the facts. So let me introduce this idea by talking about actual math. When I was growing up, like most children on the earth, I had math homework and I wouldn't say that I was terrible with math, but I did have a lot of drama around math. Math. So, for example, I told myself that math is too hard, that story problems are impossible, and they just can't be done. But the truth is that math is just math and my creating drama around it, it wasn't going to help me to get the math done. In fact, the more drama that I created for myself around the math, the longer it took me to get things done. And that is how it is for all of us as we create a lot of drama for ourselves due to our circumstances in life. But more often than not, then that drama is actually making it harder For us to get what we want. It's making it take longer for us to get what it is that we want. And this might be around completing a math assignment, like it was for me. Or it might be around creating change in your career or in your relationships. Whatever it is, the drama that we create for ourselves can oftentimes get in the way and prevent us from actually just completing the math. From figuring out, okay, this This is where I'm at. Here's where I want to go. How do I get there? That is the math. And we create all this drama that creates these detours, but ultimately that's the goal is, okay, let's just neutralize this so I can figure out best how to get from here to there. So let me share a few more examples about where math and drama might be showing up for you.,
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For this first example, we're looking at your bank account. Okay. So the math might be, I have X number of dollars in my bank account. The drama on the other hand might be, that's too little money. I'm broke. I will never be able to afford a home. Now our thoughts about our financial situation, then they can lead to a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety, which ultimately is really going to prevent us from getting what it is that we want. But remember that all of our thoughts, are optional. Your brain is going to want to say, no, this is a fact. I really want to believe that my thought is a fact. But remember, when you can separate out the facts from your thoughts about the facts, it makes it easier for you to see which thoughts are optional and how you can navigate that. It helps you to differentiate between the math and the facts. Okay. The math and separating that from the drama. And I also want to point out that the brain, it is going to be looking for evidence that whatever we're thinking about is true. So for example, if I'm thinking I'm broke and I will never be able to afford a house, then that's going to be giving our brain the assignment to be looking for all of the ways that we are under earning, look for all of the ways that we are overspending and When we're really struggling with that, we might think, boy, I'm really having a hard time finding a positive thought, because your brain is going to show you all the reasons why you are a failure and forever will be, and you'll never be able to get that house. And so maybe it is a struggle to actually have a positive thought in that moment. And if you are struggling to have a positive thought, then just see if maybe instead of coming with a positive thought, if you can come up with something that is more neutral. So, for example, maybe you try on the thought. You know what? I have this much money in my bank account and I need this much money to put a down payment on to a home. I wonder how I could bridge that gap. Now your brain is going to have the assignment to be looking for ways that you can increase your wealth, the ways that you can save money little by little each day and it is coming from a place of abundance. rather than a place of lack and of shame. All right, here's another example is in relationships. So the math might be my partner hasn't texted me back yet. Now I get it. We have all been there where we have sent somebody a text and they have not replied in a timely manner and it's easy to come up with a lot of drama around it. Right? So in this example, let's say that the drama around it is, well, they must be ignoring me. They don't care about me anymore. Now remember that our thoughts create our emotions. And we are always showing up through that lens of our emotions. We're always showing up because of how we are currently feeling. So think for a moment. If you're thinking, they must be ignoring me and they don't care about me. What emotions is that going to create for you? And how are you going to show up through those emotions? Now, more than likely, these kinds of thoughts would be creating feelings of insecurity. inadequacy, or possibly even sadness and grief. Now remember that the brain really does want to believe that our drama is the math, but our thoughts are optional and we can change the way that we think about it. So some other thoughts that are available to you are, they must be busy. I am secure enough in our relationship that I trust that they'll get back to me when they can, or maybe you want to think, you know what? They probably just forgot to reply. I'll just text them again. Okay. and make another request for reply. So whatever it is that you were thinking about is going to shift how you feel and how you are showing up in relationship. And as a coach, I'm also just going to add that all of the thoughts that come up around this, all the thoughts that you have around this lack of response in a text, it's really great information for how it is that you are currently feeling about the relationship and how you are currently feeling about yourself. So just know you're going to have these stories. That's very valuable information that we can definitely address in a coaching session. And also even though you have these stories and all feelings are valid, it doesn't change the fact that your partner's lack of response is completely neutral until you have a thought about it. But remember that your thoughts are reflection of you and where you are at and they might not be a reflection of them at all. All right. Example number three at work. So, the math might be, I have a deadline at work. And the drama might be, I'm going to fail. My boss is going to be so disappointed, I'm probably going to get fired. Now the brain really loves to catastrophize, but catastrophizing it really escalates our stress levels and it just keeps us stuck. It's kind of like me with my math problems, right? When I was younger. So maybe you will fail and maybe you won't, but thinking on all of the ways that you could fail rather than focusing on all the ways that you could succeed, it's going to shift not only your feelings, but also how you show up for that project as that deadline approaches and you actually present it to your boss. So some more positive or some more neutral thoughts might be just coming from a place of curiosity. When in doubt, always take the approach of curiosity. It's fantastic. So some other thoughts might be, I wonder how I can best maximize my time for this deadline. How can I maximize my strengths? What might I need in order to maintain my mental clarity and also maintain my energy levels so that I don't burn myself out as I'm working on this? Now these kinds of thoughts are far more supportive for the result that you actually want to create. Alright, example number four, and this is especially for you highly sensitive people, very empathetic people, that oftentimes feel very responsible for other people's emotions. So here is the math, okay? A friend has said that they are feeling overwhelmed. Now the likely drama coming up around this is, uh oh, somebody's having a feeling. That's bad. They shouldn't be having that bad feeling. It's my job to fix it. I need to rearrange my schedule in order to help them. I better fix them dinner. We have a lot of ideas around what it is that we should be doing around their overwhelm. And while these thoughts aren't bad thoughts to have, in fact, a lot of these, they sound very helpful and kind, and also, check in with your motives, check in with your own emotional compass, and see what is coming up for you. For example, are you feeling overwhelmed by their overwhelm? So, you're trying to manage their overwhelm in an attempt to make you feel better? If so, just kind of check in with yourself about, okay, what other ways could I manage my overwhelm around their overwhelm? Are you maybe feeling inadequate and equating your ability to help other people with your own self worth? Are you genuinely wanting to help them? There are really no wrong answers here, but just be really aware of what is coming up for you. Because again, whatever thoughts we attach to it is going to impact how we think and how we feel and how we show up. So if we burn ourselves out in an effort to prevent someone else from being burned out, we haven't actually solved the problem. We've just shifted it. We have made their burnout, our burnout, but the burnout still exists. So also notice that the only math that actually happened here is somebody said that they had a feeling. Our friend said they were feeling overwhelmed. They did not actually ask for help. We have assumed that they've wanted our help and we have assumed that they want help in a very specific way. Okay, so maybe they actually just want a friend to listen to them and actually encourage them on their journey. Or maybe they want a sounding board to help them to find ways that they can resolve their own overwhelm so that they can better manage it and prevent burnout in the future. So really what has happened in this situation is we have just assigned a significant amount of meaning to our friend saying that they are overwhelmed So slow it down, identify what your story is and see what it is that that story is creating for you. Maybe you do want to just genuinely show up and love and support and do some nice things for them. If so, that's fantastic, but still just check in with your motives and see what's coming up for you. People pleasers are especially good at giving themselves assignments. They assume that it is their job to fix everybody else's problem, and they assume that they know exactly what it is that everybody else needs. So really slow it down, become a little bit more mindful about what's coming up for you, and then consciously choose how it is that you want to move forward. Alright, so this week, practice separating out the
MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-6:
math. versus drama.
MaryAnn Walker's audio recording-8:
If you can't come up with a positive story, see if you can find a more neutral one. Thought around it. Okay, just be aware of what is the story I'm telling myself. Can I make this either more positive or more neutral? So that it can feel a little bit more supportive for you and help you to just see the math problem a little bit more clearly without all the drama. It's kind of like clearing off your glasses when you're having a hard time seeing something clearly. That's the drama. It's harder to see it. It's harder to address it. And separating out the math from the drama is like just clearing off those lenses. So you can see things a bit more clearly as you work to get to where it is that you want to go. And this will help you to not only increase your own inner peace, but it will also help you to improve the quality of your relationships while also minimizing your own negative emotions and your own burnout. Now, I have worked with many people who have told me that as they've gotten into coaching, they have realized that they are really, really good storytellers and they have a story for everything that's going on in their lives. but when it's our stories or our dramas, That are the deciding factor in our lives. It's really very self limiting and so acknowledging that okay, that's drama I'm gonna set that aside and I'm going to focus on the math Then that's taking more control of your life and actually moving forward more productively. So if you recognize that you are storyteller and you would like some support learning how to navigate that come and work with me I am filling up my summer schedule and I would love to work with you. All right Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon