Part 1: Victim/Creator Energy- Choosing Empowerment

This week we are exploring the Drama Triangle as well as The Empowerment Dynamic. 

The Drama Triangle creates drama and conflict in relationship whereas The Empowerment Dynamic encourages authentic communication which can deepen connection. 

Today's focus is on comparing victim energy with it's antidote, creator energy. 

Here is a brief overview: 

Victim energy is passive, while creator energy is proactive. 
Victim energy asks 'Why is this happening to me?' Creator energy asks 'How might this be happening for me?' 
Victim energy looks for blame, while creator energy takes responsibility. 
The victim expects others to solve their problems, whereas the creator is proactive in creatively meeting their needs. 
The victim focuses on negative aspects, while the creator looks for things to be grateful for.

 Choosing into the empowerment dynamic allows for stepping out of victimhood and into a proactive creator mindset, leading to empowerment and clarity in achieving goals.

Want to learn more about the empowerment dynamic?  Check out this book: https://amzn.to/3V7hmxH

Want to work with MaryAnn?  Click here: https://maryannwalker.life/contact-me

Interested in FREE tickets to The Energy Healing Conference?  Email MaryAnn at maryann@maryannwalker.life 

Transcript

0:18

Well, hello and welcome back. So just by way of announcement, I want to let you know that life is kind of lifeing right now. So I'm going to be switching back to once a week episodes. If you find that you just really miss me and you want to hear from me more than once a week, guess what? I have over a hundred episodes that you can go back. And listen to, or maybe you want to use this time to catch up. But moving forward, I'm going to be just posting one episode a week. And I'm really looking forward to everything happening this summer. We have some trips planned, some public speaking engagements that I'm really excited about that I'm sure that I'll be sharing about here on the podcast as things get a little bit closer. but yeah, just want to let you know, from here on out, we're going to be having episodes once a week. So this last Monday, then I did a collaboration with Allie Schultz from"write your wellness" and we talked a bit about the drama triangle and the different roles that we play within that drama triangle. I thoroughly enjoyed that conversation. I always enjoy talking with Allie. So if you haven't had a chance to listen to that one yet, make sure you go back and listen to that episode And also make sure that you check out the show noteswhere you can get a link to her blog where she shares some really helpful journaling prompts to help you on your journey.. During the episode with Allie, then I referenced some previous episodes that I did around the drama triangle. And I even linked to those in the show notes. But honestly, as I went back and relistened to those, I have grown so much since that time I've decreased the number of filler words. I've grown in confidence. I'm now also doing video. So I thought, you know what I think, at least for this first one that I want to kind of rerecord some things and share some content, Update a few of those episodes that I did over 80 episodes ago. So today I'm going to be doing a little bit of a reboot of the drama triangle, specifically talking about the victim, part of the drama triangle. I did want to reshare all of the parts of the drama triangle and especially through the lens of the empowerment dynamic. And I thought, at least for this first one, I'm going to rerecord the whole thing. I'm still debating on the other two. If I'm just going to be playing the ones that I've already recorded and let you hear how I spoke. You know, 80 episodes ago, or if I want to also redo those. So I guess that we will all be surprised as we see what I decide to do. So today I wanted to talk a bit about the victim role and what that looks like. Now, if you did click on the show notes and went to listen to that other episode, you're going to find that a lot of the content here is going to be the same. I just wanted to update a few things. Uh, so, yeah, so I thought that I would just share that here. So the drama triangle, it contains three roles, the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer and the empowerment dynamic. It also includes three roles and it's kind of the antidote for the victim, persecutor and rescuer. And this includes the creator, the challenger, and the coach. And today we're going to be talking a bit about the victim creator energy. So the victim energy is basically the"why me" energy. And the creator energy is the antidote to that victim energy that really empowers us to see what things are in our control. So for those of you that haven't heard of the trauma triangle before. Then it is a model that was first introduced by Stephen B Karpman and it's really basically a model for destructive or dramatic interactions that occur in conflict. And this might with other people, it might even be just within our own selves that we're experiencing this conflict, but these are the three predominant roles that show up when we are experiencing conflict in relationship. And becoming aware of our natural tendencies and what our brain really naturally wants to do and what role our brain naturally wants to fall into, as we become more aware of that and what's happening for us, then it helps us to step out of those little dramas.. Now today, I'm going to be combining the two ideas of both the drama triangle and the empowerment dynamic because to be honest with you, when I first started learning about the drama triangle, I felt quite victimized by it. Because I was able to see for the first time, the role that I was playing when it came to these little dramas that were playing out in front of me. And once I was able to see that, then yeah, I did feel a little bit victimized by it. And so it was helpful for me to then look at the empowerment dynamic to see. Okay. How can I course correct. Now that I see it now that I see how I'm showing up in the situation, how can I course correct. And step out of that drama. So because I found myself feeling a little bit overwhelmed when I first learned about the drama triangle, then I decided that I not only wanted to address the point on the drama triangle, but I also wanted to address the antidote as presented by David Emerald in his book, the power of Ted. The empowerment dynamic. Now this is a very short but powerful read and yes, I will put a link to this book in the show notes because it really was impactful for me, but it's really interesting to just compare and contrast the empowerment dynamic with the drama triangle, and really take that step into conscious living to be able to recognize what role am I taking on right now in the drama triangle, and then transforming that shadow aspect of ourselves that is stuck in the drama triangle, really stepping into the light through that conscious creator and through that lens of the empowerment dynamic. Instead. Now I find that when thinking about this two triangles as the light aspect and the shadow aspect, then it really does help us to be a bit more conscientious and intentional. And as we're thinking about, okay, what role am I playing? And what role do I want to play? So as we talk about the drama triangle, I want you to notice that you've probably seen this before. It is the plot in nearly every movie and more than likely it really plays out every single day in your work and your relationships in your home. You are going to start to see it everywhere. Each of us really takes our turn in the role of victim persecutor and rescuer. Okay. We're all going to play out all of those roles. And so I want you to really notice how quickly we can swing between all of these roles and how much they can contribute to each other. So, for example, for a moment, I just want you to imagine two parents and a child sitting at a dinner table, having a conversation. And dad says, Hey, why do you keep failing at math? Persecutor the child. Well, I don't know. I guess I'm just useless now. They're the victim. And then mom says here, let me help you with that. She's the rescuer. Child. I don't need your help. I'm not stupid. Just leave me alone. Now the child is the persecutor. Mom says no need to get angry. I was just trying to help now. Mom's victim. Dad says, I can't believe that you failed another test. What is your teacher going to think about us as parents? Now dad's the victim. And then mom says, Hey, this isn't about you, dad just leave her alone. Now, mom is the persecutor persecuting dad. Dad says, well, maybe we do just need to hire a tutor. Now dad's the rescuer. Then the child might say, Hey, stop fighting mom and dad, I'll get my grades back up. And now the child is also the rescuer. So as you can see from this example, we all take on all parts of the drama triangle, even sometimes within the same conversation. Each person in that drama triangle took on every single role in that one exchange. Now when we choose to take on one of these roles, it is essentially triggering another role in the other person. And so that's going to be completing that triangle and now they've stepped into a competing role. And it's really interesting to notice how quickly we can swing between all of these three roles and how much they contribute to each other. And the really cool thing is, is that when one person changes their role, it can completely shift the whole triangle. Now this might keep us in the triangle, but this also is a little bit empowering because that also means if one person opts out of their role in the drama triangle, and they instead step into the empowerment dynamic, then it completely shifts things into that light aspect. That more positive lens. So, what else is really interesting to notice is that when we are the victim, We are also oftentimes at the same time than we are a persecutor because we're persecuting our persecutor. Right. So it's really easy to slide into your, the villain." And now when we're accusing someone else of being the villain, then now we are also the persecutor. Now other times, then we might be showing up as the rescuer. But if our help isn't received in the way that we would've liked. Then we might become resentful towards the very person that we're wanting to help and to serve. And now we're also sliding into the role of persecutor. And so we might be showing up as the rescuer and then when it's not received, then we might find ourselves saying something like, oh, you are just so ungrateful. I do so much for you and you don't even appreciate it. You're not even reciprocating. So now we are playing the victim card, but we're also becoming the persecutor and blaming and shaming someone else. So now that this has been pointed out to you, then you're going to start to see this drama triangle showing up every place that you go. You're going to notice it on TV, that it isn't every single plot line. You're going to notice it at work. You're going to notice it in social media. So you might even see an argument happening online and yeah, the details of the debate, they might change over time. But essentially the argument is the exact same thing and everybody's taking on all of those roles. So it might start out with the victim. You. You hurt me and then it slides into persecutor. You can't do this thing that you've been doing to anybody ever again. And then you might step into the role of rescuer with I'm going to make sure that you don't hurt anybody else. By having everybody sign this petition, I'm going to save everybody with this online petition and it's all the exact same roles and the detail of the stories. Then they're going to be changing slightly, but it just goes around and around and around in that drama triangle. Now, before we really dive into the idea of victim hood. I really want to make it clear that I do believe that there are actual victims in this world. There are absolutely people in this world that have suffered at the hands of another. And they've experienced significant pain or trauma. Because of it. And my heart really aches for these people. So I want to make it clear that those are not the people I'm talking to today. Okay. If I were talking to those people, this episode would be more on trauma and how to recover from trauma. That's not what we're talking about today. Today. We're talking more about drama and the roles that we have created in our own minds. Okay. Not the actual victimization of people that really does happen in this world, but more of the mindset of victimization. So first, how can, you know, if you have stepped into the role of the victim, oftentimes you can notice what's happening by your thoughts. So some of the thoughts that you might notice that you're having when you're stuck in victimhood are nobody likes me. I always get the short end of the stick. I can't believe that this is happening to me. This kind of thing always happens to me or this kind of thing is never going to happen to me. They are all out to get me. So you might notice a lot of these kinds of thoughts where we're really putting ourselves in that victim role. You might also notice that there's a lot of complaints happening. And maybe this is happening with other people where anytime somebody says, Hey, how's it going? Then you tell them about all of the hard things going on in your life. Or maybe you just find that you are complaining a lot inside of your head, having all of those thoughts that we just talked about having those victimization thoughts. So just kind of notice if there's complaining going on, if there's any of those thoughts happening, it might be a sign that you are stepping into the role of victim. So the victim is making other people responsible for how we are feeling, And it's extremely disempowering. It comes from a place of emotional childhood. We're thinking essentially the other people should be taking care of us. We are needy. We are incapable. We are the victim here. We need other people. So we're choosing to believe that other people are responsible for how it is that we are feeling. And it's really the ultimate"woe is me" card. So maybe when somebody asks you how you're doing, you start rattling off all of the horrible things that have happened to you. So maybe you're saying something like, well, my dog peed on the floor, my dryer snagged my sweater. I have a cold and I didn't sleep well last night. How do you think I'm doing right? It's that victim story of all of these horrible things are happening to us. But if you have been listening here on the podcast for any amount of time, you know that all of those things that I just listed off, they are neutral circumstances until we have a thought about them. And the drama triangle, the drama triangle, it's really propelling us to write a story about these neutral circumstances and more often than not the story that the drama triangle wants us to write about is that of victimization. Because if we are the victim, then things are out of our control. And somebody else needs to rescue us. So let's look again about those neutral facts. And then we'll kind of see what the victim story is that the drama triangle is propelling us to write Right. So the neutral facts are my dog peed on the floor. My dryer snagged my sweater. I have a cold and I didn't sleep well. And so the drama story around that would be my dryers out to get me germs are out to get me, even my dog is out to get me. The world is just out to get me. I am. So being picked on right now. And that's one really interesting thing to notice about the victim narrative. Is that every single victim needs a villain. And once we identify ourselves as the victim, Then that means that we have also judged someone or something outside of us as our villain, which means that we have now just become a persecutor. Kind of dizzying, right? So now we are the one making the accusations. We are now the one doing the blaming. We are now the one doing the shaming. And so now we're, ping-ponging between the role of victim and persecutor in an attempt to keep the other person or the situation in the role of villain. It is just really interesting to observe. Because the truth is that we all want to remain blameless. We want to be the innocent one, which means that it is honestly preferable for everything to be somebody else's fault, but in an effort to make everything, somebody else's fault. Then number one, we are avoiding accountability ourselves. And number two, we are also becoming the persecutor of someone else. Which also means that we have now turned ourselves into the villain. So we are now completing that triangle ourselves. So it might be the story of, well, it's their fault that my life is so hard. It's their fault that I didn't sleep well last night, it's their fault that I'm completely burned out. So we're both the victim and the persecutor at the same time. But I just want to alleviate some shame here. Right? Don't be so hard on yourself. If you find yourself in victim hood. Because really often we have found ourselves in victim hood because there is a need that we have that is going unmet, and we're just trying to fulfill a need. And due to our conditioning, we honestly can't think of any other way to get that need met other than playing the victim card. Let me use an example from childhood, and this might not be the case for everybody, but it's common enough that it is something worth mentioning. As we all know, children need love, attention and affection. These are basic human needs that every single person on the planet has. And if these needs for love, attention and affection are met and the child's day to day life, then ultimately the child does learn how to self-sooth. They learn how to self-regulate and they are very confident and they're securely attached in their relationships as adults. It creates a secure attachment between the parents and the child, which leads to that secure attachment. For the child and other relationships as well. So in other words, children having their needs met, lets the child know that they are safe and it creates that secure attachment. And this helps to minimize self victimization, both in childhood as well as later in adult life. Now imagine for a moment, a child whose need for love attention and affection is not met. Now when the child's need for those things is not met. It's going to create insecurity. And oftentimes it's also going to create a victim mindset or a victim mentality. So for example, let's imagine for a moment, a child who has gone to school all day and at school. Yeah. They have a few friends and they have a teacher who's really trying to fulfill the needs of all of the children. But they aren't receiving the love, attention and affection that they need from their parents throughout the school day. And yes, what happens while the child is at school is out of our control as a parent, but also notice what is happening when the child does come home. So in this example, let's say the child comes home from school and they're receiving zero engagement. Nobody asks about their day, they're left to fend for themselves and find their own snack, make their own Mac and cheese for dinner play on their own. And then when it is bedtime, it's just, yeah, go to bed, go put yourself to bed. And the child's needs are unmet, and this might happen day after day after day. And this could potentially create an insecure attachment style for the child. Because they're not quite short if or when their parents are going to meet their needs. So now imagine that this child becomes ill. And suddenly this child's parents are available. They're attentive. They're able to take time off of work. They're able to drop everything to give the child the nurturing and the caring that they need. They're able to cuddle on the couch and watch their favorite TV show. They're able to eat their favorite kind of soup. Their sandwich is cut just the way they like it. And finally, their needs are met. The child has now been given the subconscious message that they must be sick, or in other words, they must be the victim. In order to get their very valid and human needs met. Which may also create more tummyaches and more sick days in the future because the child's subconscious now has been taught that this is the only way to have their needs met is to be the victim. The child mind cannot think of any other way to get their very legitimate needs met for love and affection other than playing the role of the victim. So to be clear, I am not saying that if your child gets sick, that you tell them, oh, you must just be pretending to get your needs met. No, these are very legitimate needs and these needs need to be met. So take the time to nurture your child. And if you notice that your child is having more frequent, tummyaches be with them on those days. And also check in with them on the other days when they're feeling well and offer your love, attention and affection on the days when they are not sick also, and that will help to heal those wounds. And help them to create those more secure attachments and recognize that they do not have to slip into victim hood in order to get their needs met. But the needs need to be met in both of those places, both when they are well, and both when they are unwell. So 100% yep. Go and cuddle your child and do all of those things. When your child is sick and also make a point to do it with your child when they are well, because if we're taught as children, that being a victim of our circumstances is the only way to get our needs met. It's going to be reinforcing our own victim narrative. And as a result even well into adulthood, we might think that the only way that we can get that love attention or validation is if we have some terrible victim story to tell other people in order to raise the sympathies of others in order to trigger the rescuer response in others. Because, as I said, this is all just a way to get our needs met. We want the other person to step in and rescue us because we have come to associate being rescued with being cared for and nurtured as a child. But this way of getting our needs met, it keeps us in emotional immaturity or emotional childhood because we are continuously making it someone else's responsibility to meet our needs, rather than being proactive about finding ways to get our own needs met and also take the time to really nurture and parent our own inner child. So now I've shared a few examples about how we might play out the drama triangle with other people, but we might also be playing out in the drama triangle within our own minds with ourselves. for example, maybe you want to get into shape and if so your internal drama triangle, then it might sound a little something like this. It is so early and I didn't sleep well at all last night and I just can't get myself motivated to work out today. So there's the victim, right? And then you might become your own persecutor by thinking something like. But I haven't worked out all week. I am so weak and lazy. And then maybe the rescuer might come in with something like, Hey, you know what, it's fine. I think I'll just stay in bed and get the rest that I need. And I'll work out some other day when I'm not so tired. This is self-care. Now that's the rescuer energy, but as you can see the rescuer, it's not always helpful. And it doesn't always help us to think about what we need in the long-term. It just wants to stop the drama in the moment, but it's not going to actually help us to achieve our goals. It's not going to help us to get the result that we actually want. So in this case, yeah. We have a goal to improve our health because that's something that's really important to us. But now we're talking ourselves out of it under the guise of rescuing ourselves from a bad night's sleep. When really it might actually help us to just get up and work out because not only is it going to make us stronger. But it will also give our brain evidence that we're going to show up in integrity by being true to our word and that we're going to do what it is that we said that we were actually going to do. So now that we've talked a bit about the victim energy, let's talk about the antidote to the victim energy, which is the creator energy. And since we learn through contrast, I'm going to just do a little bit of comparing contrast for you. The victim is passive, or maybe even passive aggressive. If they're playing the victim persecutor role, right? The creator is proactive. The victim asks, why is this happening to me? The creator asks, how might this be happening for me? The victim looks for somebody to blame the creator takes responsibility. The victim looks for reasons why things are out of their control and the creator proactively looks for the ways that things are in their control. The victim is needy and expects other people to solve their problems. The creator has needs, but is proactive about creatively meeting, those needs. The victim looks for. What's not going well. And the creator looks for things to be grateful for..So what might happen if rather than focusing on our victim story, if we chose instead to become a conscious creator, how might that eliminate the drama in our lives? What if we just became aware of these roles and then simply opted out of them? Now I was recently on a flight from New York to Boston and I had the opportunity to see what happens when just one person decides to opt out of the drama triangle. The flight attendant was closing the overhead bins and one of the bins would not close. A suitcase needed to be moved in order for it to be closed. And because the captain's bag was in that particular compartment and it needed to stay where it was, she asked the owner of one of the other bags to please move their bag to another bench. She was very polite. Now the owner of the bag very quickly became the victim. He was not going to move his back. Someone else was going to have to move their bag. Now when another passenger saw that this passenger was upset, then she decided to step in and rescue him agreeing that his bag did not need to be the bag that was moved. Now, the flight attendant remained very calm and she simply said, this doesn't concern you and then returned her focus to the man reaffirming that because the captain bag could not be moved. One of the other bags needed to be relocated and then she just walked away to let them figure out what they were going to do in order to get that cabinet to close. And her choosing to not become the villain. It actually significantly diffused the situation. Because if there is no villain, There can be no victim. And if there is no victim, then nobody needs to be rescued. So ultimately a bag was moved and the bin was able to be closed and we were on our way and I was totally inspired by the quiet power of that flight attendant and her example of staying out of the drama triangle. And entering instead into the empowerment dynamic. So, let me expand just a tiny bit on the passivity of the victim role. Sometimes because we want to trigger the rescuer and other people to get our needs met, and we also don't necessarily want to be a burden on other people. Then we might not even be making a clear request, which is extremely disempowering. So instead of making a clear request, instead, we might say something like, life is just so hard right now. I just wish I could just go to bed and somebody else could put the children to sleep and clean up the kitchen. And boy, that would sure be nice. It's extremely passive. But essentially when we're doing that, we are being the victim. And we're trying to passively put our responsibilities and our duties onto somebody else without actually making a clear request. But really that's what the goal and intention of hoping that somebody is going to be the rescuer that we are now a victim. And we just want these simple things to be finished. And it's intended to trigger that rescuer response in somebody else so that they will jump in and do all of those things for us. But that really is kind of a bit more. Uh, muddied up way to go about getting your needs met. And also it really does kind of overwhelm somebody else when we're just rattling off everything that's going wrong for us and that we are just hoping that they will step in and do it's not clear and unclear is unkind. And so really being clear in our requests can really help the situation because it can be very disorienting, especially if you're a sensitive person or an empath. And somebody's saying all of the things that they just wish could be magically done. We want to step into that role of rescuer and be that genie and make all of their wishes come true. But this might not actually be helpful in that current situation. But guess what? It can be possible to feel overwhelmed in the moment and still stand in our creator energy. And that is where coaching can be very helpful. It helps us to stay empowered, to see more clearly what the story is that we're telling ourselves and to step out of that victim story. And once we become more aware of our current reality, then we can become a bit more proactive about stepping into our creator energy and making a clear request. So for example, instead of just listing off all the things that we have on our to-do lists that are overwhelming us. Maybe we can make a clear and direct request. So for example, Hey. Would you mind picking up the kids tonight? Or can you pick up a pizza for dinner? Or maybe, Hey, would you please run a vacuum over the floor? Or, Hey, I could really use some friend time after working on this project all week. Do you think we could hang out on Friday? Or I could really use a listening ear. Could I just please vent for 20 minutes and then get a hug at the end. Now when we're able to be proactive, even in our overhwhelm, then it helps us to be more clear about what it is that we actually need. And it helps us to be more proactive about getting those needs met, and we're able to do it with clarity and with kindness for all involved. And it helps us to stay empowered. Now, this does require developing your own level of self-awareness, but the end result is so worth it. Notice where your victim energy might be showing up. Maybe it's around a perceived imbalance in home duties. Maybe you're upset about being cut off in traffic. Maybe it's a really slow cashier or the weather. Kind of notice what is happening for you and where that victim energy might be showing up and just see if you can step instead into that creator energy. Practice intentionally choosing into the creator role by looking for the ways that things are working for you rather than against you and intentionally seeking out things to be grateful for in any circumstance. It is so worth the effort.. So, Hey, if you were enjoying what you're learning here on the podcast, would you mind leaving me a review? I would really appreciate it. It really does give me a boost in the algorithms. You can either just click on how many stars or I also really appreciate it when you write reviews. I love to share those reviews here on the podcast. So if you could take a moment and do that, I would really appreciate it. Also make sure that you're a subscribed so that you can hear about all of the fun things happening this summer. I am super excited about everything that is coming and cannot wait to tell you about it. So, yeah, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon. Bye now.