Throwing Out the Manual: How Expectations May be Sabotaging Your Relationship

Are you sabotaging your relationship by expecting your partner to think, act, and behave like someone different than who they are? The unspoken expectations we have for others can lead to resentment,  disappointment, and conflict in relationship. Today we explore how these invisible lists of instructions can hinder our happiness and relationships. Letting go of these manuals can help to foster more authentic connections and lead to self-empowerment.

What You'll Learn

• What expectations look like in relationships.
• How unspoken expectations lead to resentment and conflict.
• The negative effects of manuals/expectations.
• Strategies for recognizing and letting go of these expectations.
• The importance of taking responsibility for one's own happiness.

Letting go of unspoken expectations and choosing to take responsibility for your own happiness empowers you to foster more genuine and loving relationships.

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Transcript

0:17

Well, hello and welcome back. So I know that nobody likes to be told what to do, even from a very young age, children are seeking to have their own autonomy. And that's the same for us as adults. Right. Children want to be treated with respect and consideration. They want their ideas and their opinions to be treated with respect and consideration. And when somebody tries to force a toddler to do something that they don't want to do that toddler is probably going to throw a big tantrum. They might even start screaming and yelling saying, no, you can't make me. You're not the boss of me. You're not supposed to cut my sandwich that way now you've ruined it. And we like to believe that as we get older, we kind of let go of the idea that things must be exactly the way that we want them to be. But that's not always the case. It just is a little bit more sneaky. As we get older, we still tend to throw tantrums as adults when things don't go the way that we think that they should be going, or when somebody is behaving in a way that we think that they maybe shouldn't be behaving that way. And when this happens more than likely we are silently resenting them, or maybe we'll even lash out with them, a comments saying those very same things. The toddlers say, right, well, you can't make me. Oh, but you were supposed to be the one to pick us up from the grocery store, or I can't believe that you handled it that way. Now you have ruined everything. So if you find yourself thinking these thoughts, remind yourself that, oh, okay. It appears that I have some expectations going into this because generally speaking, if we have expectations, when we're going into something and those expectations are not met, that is when we're throwing the adult sized tantrums much like the toddler that throws a tantrum when their sandwich isn't cut in just the way they like it. But when we do this, when we go into life with these expectations and we're holding people to these unspoken standards, Then we are essentially choosing to make somebody else or something else outside of us, responsible for how it is that we feel we are choosing to make our happiness, conditional upon things out of our control. So for example, we make our happiness conditional upon the weather. If somebody holds the door open for us or not, when we're walking into a store, we're making our happiness, conditional upon how other people drive on the road, how they chew their food, but living this way and believing that the things outside of us are responsible for our joy or our misery, it is extremely disempowering. And that's exactly what we're talking about today is our manuals or our invisible list of instructions or expectations for how we think other people around us should be showing up. Our manuals include these invisible lists of instructions for how we think other people should think how we think they should act, how we think they should behave. And even though we know that we don't like it when somebody tries to tell us what to do, we still really deep down believe that if everybody else would just show up in the way that I know that they should be showing up. Then all would be right in the world and everything would be just fine. So I want you to notice, as we talk about these manuals, or these invisible list of instructions for other people that maybe our manuals are a one-page flyer, maybe they're a small pamphlet, maybe it's a full book. Maybe it's a series of books that we need a whole wheelbarrow to carry around. But we all carry around these manuals or these invisible list of instructions that we think include all the secrets of life. That if everybody just followed this step-by-step list of instructions, everybody would be happier. For example, we might think that we know best how our boss should talk with us. We know how our coworkers should behave. We know how our children should treat us. We know how they should be showing up at school and at social events. We have all of these expectations. For other people. And we know deep down that if they would just show up in the way that we want them to, then the world would be a magical place where we could all just sing and hold hands and everybody would experience joy. Right. But of course, this is a total fantasy because people are just people. And the truth is they actually have their own manuals or their own list of instructions for how other people, including you should think and act, and show up and behave in order to make them happy. And their manual is going to look very different from yours. And it is actually our manuals or these expectations that we have of each other that are making us miserable. It's not actually the other person that is making us miserable. This means that if people don't follow our manuals for them, if they don't take the route to the store that we think that they should take, if they don't speed up or slow down, like we think they should, if they don't pick up after themselves in the way that we think that they should, if they don't replace the toilet paper in the right direction or fold the tube of toothpaste in the way that we think that they should. Then we become upset. And it's easy to assume that when we're upset, because somebody isn't following our list of instructions for them. That they are the reason that we are upset that they are intentionally upsetting us because we believe that everybody should have the same manual, but we don't have the same manual. And assuming that we do it just makes us a lot more miserable because now we are blaming and shaming others for not knowing what is in our manual and this blaming and shaming and resenting. It doesn't serve us. Additionally holding on to these manuals is essentially choosing to surrender our emotional state over to somebody else who as evidenced by our manual, they're not even showing up in the way that we want them to show up. But we have now just decided to put them in the driver's seat and let them decide how we're going to be showing up that day, right? So in short, we write these manuals thinking it's going to help us to feel better. And then we are in fact, making ourselves more and more miserable. So, let me offer up some examples to illustrate what these manuals can look like and what they might actually be creating for us. All right. Example, number one is Sarah. Sarah received a text message from her friend, Maddie, and the two of them have plans to go to a concert together. And Sarah is just so excited. So when she saw that Maddie had sent her a text, she was really looking forward to hearing Maddie'e excitement about the concert and getting excited together. However, that's not what she got when she opened up her text message. Instead Maddie's message simply read the concerts at eight. I'll pick you up at seven. There was no punctuation. There were no exclamation points. There were no sentiments shared about, oh, I'm just so looking forward to it. There were not even any emojis in this text that Maddie sent. And because of this, Sarah assumed that Maddie wasn't looking forward to the event and that she was only showing up out of a sense of duty or obligation. And of course having that thought is going to be impacting how Sarah feels about going to the concert with Maddie. Maddie was not fitting the expectations that Sarah had for her in this text exchange. She was not following her manual. So rather than experiencing the excitement and anticipation and connection that she was hoping to experience with Maddie instead, then Sarah was experiencing disappointment, discouragement, and disconnect, and it wasn't because of how her friend was showing up. But instead it was because of her manual thinking her friend should be showing up and expressing her excitement and anticipation differently than how she was actually showing up. All right. Example, number two. Carrie came home exhausted from a long day at work. She had had her review with her supervisor earlier that day, and it did not go how she had planned and anticipated. And so Carrie was really feeling pretty low. So when Carrie walked into the house, she saw her husband playing with the baby on the floor. And once she saw her husband playing with the baby on the floor, she became angry. And she said, oh, I'm so glad that you two are having fun. I guess the all go and start dinner. Do I have to do everything around here? Carrie had it written in her manual that as soon as she entered the door, her husband would invite her into a perfectly cleaned house with dinner on the table and ask her how her review went. But because the expectation was never stated. That's not what happened when she walked into the door. So instead Carrie was experiencing disappointment, anger, and resentment because of her invisible manual that she had for her husband and how he should be showing up for her. All right. Example, number three. Dave and Kelly's anniversary was right around the corner. It was going to be their first anniversary. Oh, it's so exciting. So Dave was hoping that Kelly would be doing something thoughtful for him. You know, he'd been planning some things for her and had hoped that she was at the same time planning some things for him. But Kelly had been raised to believe the anniversaries were all about the man declaring his love for the woman. And so she didn't have any cards or gifts or plans for him. So Kelly was thrilled by the thoughtful gestures from Dave, but because Dave thought that there would be reciprocation, he found himself feeling resentful towards Kelly on their anniversary and feeling like she didn't care about him. So both Dave and Kelly were disappointed with how their evening ended because their manuals for their first anniversary, they just didn't match up. So with all of these examples, I just really want to reiterate that it is not the person or the situation that's the problem. But it's the individual's thoughts and expectations around the person and the individual that are actually creating those hard feelings. So, let me share a personal example from my own life about how manuals were showing up for me. When I first got married, I had a manual in my mind for who was supposed to take the trash out. And I never shared this manual with anybody because duh, everybody knows it's the man's job. Right. So in my brain, it was super obvious that it's the man's job to take out the trash. And that's oftentimes how manuals work. We assume that everybody knows these things, that everybody is on the same page, and that can make it a challenge at times to even see, in fact that we do have a manual running around the situation. So in my very newlywed brain, I was assuming that it was just common knowledge that the man should take the trash out. This is a fact, everybody knows it. And because it's a fact, my husband should just know it, everybody on the planet knows this. Right. So in fact, you know, in my belief system was basically that when we said I do that, that part of my manual should have just been magically uploaded into his brain. However it very quickly became apparent that my husband had a very different manual running in his mind. And I was completely oblivious to his manual. You see my husband, he was raised in what we lovingly refer to as the bachelor pad. So he grew up with his dad and his brother, and there were no women in the house. And that means that in his house growing up, there was no such thing as the man's job and the woman's job. Nope. There were just jobs. So I had the belief that when we said I do that I would see this magic, okay. Download complete message coming from my husband. And he would just know what to do. But instead in my marriage, what I was seeing time and time again, was a, does not compute error message showing up across my husband's face when I would be upset about the trash. So I had the false assumption that my husband would just magically know. That the trash was the husband's job. And then also the all other home duties would be divided equally. So we would both be responsible for cleaning the toilet for doing the laundry for doing the vacuuming, but he alone was responsible for the trash because my manual said, so. And because I assumed that this information was common knowledge and that everybody should just know it. I did not say anything to him about it instead. I became quite passive aggressive, so I would just passive aggressively watch and wait until he had the realization that he needed to take the trash out. And as is often the case. I have the false assumption that by doing this, I was keeping the peace that I was keeping the peace by not saying anything to him about it. And I was being the good wife by letting him save face and finally realized that,"oh, I can't believe I didn't realize that the trash needs to be taken out." Oh, now I can go and do that. I thought I was being so kind. That was just so generous of me. Right. But as time went on, I wasn't being kind and I wasn't keeping the peace instead, I was silently resenting and being passive aggressive. So I would watch, and I would wait and admittedly, some weeks it took longer for him to figure out that the trash needed to be taken out. So that means I got very good at shoving the trash down to make room for just one more thing or maybe strategically balancing new waste on the very top of the basket, making a really tall pile, making sure it didn't tip over. As I just not so patiently waited for him to realize that he hadn't gotten his job done. And needless to say, this did create some conflict in our marriage. And what's funny is apparently my husband, he also had a manual around cleaning the house and keeping things tidy, but his manual was specifically around the vacuuming. He had the belief that the job of vacuuming was not done or complete, or it wasn't done right. Unless all of the furniture had been moved and every square inch of the carpet underneath the furniture had been vacuumed. And that part of his manual was creating just as much conflict for us in our relationship as my manual for the trash. So I was very focused on the trash and that being his job. And he was very focused on the vacuuming and how that wasn't being done quite right. And it really did create some conflict in relationship. And as I talked to you about the vacuuming, I can hear you saying, oh, well, I wish that my problem with my husband was that he was very thorough with vacuuming. Why would that be a problem? But as is always the case. It wasn't his cleaning. That was the problem. It was my thoughts around it. So I was making his thoroughness with the vacuum mean that I wasn't cleaning properly in his mind. I was making it mean that he thought that I was messy. I was making it mean that he didn't think that I was doing a very good job as this new wife and as us sharing this home together. And my discomfort, it was 100% because of my own thoughts around the situation. It was not around his vacuuming at all. And I know that now, but at the time I was completely unaware of this paragraph in his manual, around the vacuuming. And because we weren't talking about our expectations, then it created a lot of conflict and assumptions and resentment. So I was unaware of his manual around the vacuuming and he was unaware of my manual around the trash. And so there we were two newlyweds with very specific manuals for how the other person was supposed to be showing up and how they were supposed to be tidying up. And we never shared these manuals with each other. And of course that bred a lot of contention and resentment and for what it's worth, we have figured things out since then. But I wanted to share this story to kind of illustrate how easy it can be. To assume that every reasonable human being thinks the same way that we do, they feel the same way that we do. They have the same belief system that we do. If they were a reasonable human, they would get it. They would see that our way is the better way. But there is so much growth that can come both individually, as well as in relationship, when we are able to come to identify our manuals and let them go. Our manuals exist because of how we think the other person doing this thing or saying this thing or showing up in this way. It's because of our belief of how we think them doing that is going to make us feel so in my brain, if my husband notices that the trash is full and he takes it to the curb with a smile on his face, at a skip in his step, then I will be happy. But that also means that if he doesn't notice the trash or if he does it be grudgingly. Then I will not be happy and instead I will be resentful and angry. So this essentially means that no matter what my husband chose to do in that moment, That I have made the choice subconsciously to allow his decision to dictate how I feel. But the thing is once you're able to actually set your manual aside, then you can see a bit more clearly that your feelings come from you and not from someone or something outside of you. We like to assume that if the things around us change, then what's happening inside of us will change and we'll feel good. But that's not the case. What is true is that when we change the things inside of us, that's when the things around us change. So even though to this day, I do get happy when my husband takes the trash out, I now have the knowledge that I can choose to be happy, no matter what. I can choose to be happy just because the trash is taken out, regardless of who takes it out. And by letting go of my manual and simply focusing on the trash being taken out or the problem that needs to be solved, then my joy can be significantly increased. It puts me in the driver's seat. I can see, oh, the trash needs to be taken out. What can I do to make that happen? Right? When we make our happiness, conditional upon external things, we are significantly limiting our own happiness. A friend of mine shared this quote with me years ago. And I'm not sure who said it, but I love it. But she said unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments, and I absolutely love this phrase and how it applies to manuals specifically. So I'm going to say it one more time because it's just that good. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. And that's essentially what our manuals are, right. They are our unspoken expectations that are leading to anger, frustration, and resentment. And if we really understood this concept that we are essentially choosing resentment, I think that it would make it a lot easier for us to actually let go of our manuals. So yes, we can choose to go through life with our unspoken expectations. That is a choice that is available to us. And that choice is more than likely going to lead to resentment and disconnect in relationship. I'm pretty sure that when we got married 22 years ago, I did experience resentment. As I piled up the trash as high as I could, without making it to Bover. As I waited for my husband to do his job. But resentment doesn't serve me. It doesn't feel good. And it's not supportive for my marriage or for my other relationships. And guess what trash also doesn't serve me. So, if you do notice that you're experiencing resentment towards somebody else, check in with yourself and see, okay, what is it that I need to take out? Whether it be the trash or your manual around the trash. And I get it. This also kind of now begs the question, but what if we tell somebody what is in our manual and they still don't do it? What if you tell somebody that is their job to take out the trash, and they say, no? Then do we get to throw a temper tantrum and make them the bad guy? No, of course not right. Just as they are not the boss of you. You are not the boss of them. They do not have to do something just because you say so. We like to think that if somebody doesn't follow our manual to a T, if they are not living up to our expectations, it is because of them that we are not happy. And how disempowering is that? But really think about it. Do you want your happiness to be conditional upon somebody else? Do you really want to forfeit your happiness and be at the mercy of somebody else's mood or somebody else's willingness or somebody else's availability? Of course not. That would mean that essentially every single day, you would have no idea how you would be feeling that day. You would have no idea how you'd be feeling day in and day out, because it would be 100% conditional upon everything that's happening outside of you. And we have no control over what is happening outside of us. We only have control over what is happening inside of us. So also think for a moment about how moody people are, if somebody is generally a pretty amazing person, they're still going to have bad days every now and then, and not show up in the way that we would like them to. And when that happens, are you going to make their bad day, your bad day? Are you going to let somebody else's bad day derail you? Or are you going to recognize that, oh, you know what? It's okay. Even amazing people are going to have bad days sometimes, and that's okay. You can choose to feel however you want to feel. And isn't that amazing. I know it can be a really hard idea to wrap your head around, but really you get to choose how it is that you want to feel. And if you can choose how it is that you want to feel, I just want to let you know the most empowering feeling that you can choose to feel his love. You can just choose to feel love for others. Even if they're having a bad day. Even if they don't vacuum in the way you think they should, even if they don't take out the trash as frequently as you think they should, you can still choose to love them, even if they chew their food differently. Even if you don't think that they're taking the most effective route to the store, even if they prefer to do the same activities day in and day out, and you prefer variety, you can still just choose to love them. That is an option that is available to you. So how might newlywed me have shown up differently in my marriage if I had just recognized earlier on that I did in fact, have a manual for my husband around the trash? What if I had recognized my manual and just decided to throw it out, to throw it in the recycling bin? How might I have shown up differently if I had just decided to love my husband no matter how tall the trash pile was? If I had just chosen to love him. Rather than make my ability to love and connect with him, contingent upon the size and the smell of the trash, how might I have felt differently if I had just chosen to have a more neutral thought, for example, what if, instead of thinking that my husband should take out the trash, what if I just had the more neutral thought of, oh, it looks like the trash is full and might need to be taken out. What if I realized earlier on in marriage that choosing to think that he should be the one to take out the trash was essentially me choosing resentment. What if I'd realized earlier on that, that thought was only creating resentment for me and it wasn't fact limiting my capacity for love? By changing my thought into something that was more neutral, like"the trash is full and needs to be taken out," then I have now let go of the anger and resentment. I've let go of the expectation that it's my husband's job and the I'm going to be angry until he takes it out and I can instead step into a more empowering space of, oh, it looks like it needs to be taken out. Maybe I'll make a request or maybe I will take it out myself. It puts me in the driver's seat of my own emotions. And in this new found space, it allows me more room to focus on actually fixing the problem rather than making my problem somebody else's problem to fix. Right. Because maybe the trash isn't a problem for my husband at all. Maybe he honestly doesn't care. So the trash is in fact, my problem. And letting go of the idea that he needs to fix my problem, it opens up so much more space for a little bit more curiosity, right? Like, huh. I wonder how the trash can get taken to the curb today. And then that opens up the space for problem solving rather than resentment. And the truth is there are so many thoughts that I could choose to think about the situation. So I might think, oh, I didn't know that I had that in my manual about the trash. I wonder what's in my husband's manual for the trash. Does he have something in there in his manual about trash, maybe in his manual, then he's assuming that whoever tops off the trash is the one that's going to take it out. And what's his definition of topping off the trash. And what is my definition of topping off the trash? Who knows? But by switching to a thought of curiosity, it makes it easier to open up a dialogue from a place of genuine curiosity, rather than judgment. And one other thing to notice is that sometimes we like to think, oh, but we talked about it that one time. So now we should be on the same page. We talked about it once and now we're done, but that's the sneaky thing about manuals is thinking that you only have to talk about an issue once is just another line in your manual. Things might need to be renegotiated down the line. So for example, when it finally seemed like in our marriage, that my husband and I had finally found our groove around who would be doing what inside and outside of the home, then my husband left for a five month training. And five months is a long time. And lots of things happened over five months. My home duties definitely shifted over those 5 months and he also made some changes over those five months. And over those five months, it seemed that we had both rewritten our manuals pretty significantly. So for example, he changed his personal schedule for what time he was going to go to bed and what time he woke up. And these were times that I was not used to. So when he came home and we shared a bed, there was some adjusting there. He also changed his diet. And then he came home with the expectation that we would now continue on with his diet plan together. And for me, I had the expectation that now that he was home now, his job would be 100% of the lawn care. I was done mowing the lawn after all this time. And that was now his job. I also had the expectation that I would get a ladies night out once a week for the foreseeable future, because I had earned it after being a single parent for these last five months. And, you know, none of these new expectations were necessarily bad in and of themselves. People do grow and change and evolve and their needs and preferences, change and evolve. But when we keep them to ourselves and have these silent expectations, That's when it becomes a problem. And so really leaning into that in relationship and come into, grow in relationship by allowing space for that evolution and that changing and learning how to navigate things together, that's what is going to actually create that piece. So, yes, it might be true that for you in your relationship, you can have a one and done conversation where now you're just instantly on the same page, but more than likely the needs, the wants the preferences, the desires are going to grow and evolve and change. And just notice if you're keeping those personal wants and desires to yourself and having those silent expectations, or if you are clearly communicating them. Be willing to have multiple conversations with an open mind and an open heart as you learn to let go of your manuals, and as those that you're in relationship are also letting go of theirs. We all have manuals. We have manuals for how our friends are supposed to show up. We have manuals for how our family is supposed to show up. We have manuals for how people are supposed to drive. We have manuals for what family dinners are supposed to look like. We have manuals for what holidays are supposed to look like. We have manuals for our birthdays and how they're supposed to be celebrated. And yes, once you have identified that you have some manuals running, it can feel a little bit tedious in the beginning to have those conversations to get on the same page. Because the truth is we've never really addressed these things before they are silent, they're unspoken. We just believe that everybody should either ask us about it, or they should just believe the same way. But be willing to lean into have those conversations and let go of those assumptions. It can really free up a lot of mental and emotional energy to support you in creating what it is that you actually want. Right. When we're actually bringing them into the light and talk about them, then we can be more proactive about having the life that we really truly want. You can do this and I can help. So if you are looking for one-on-one support to help you to let go of your manuals. Come and work with me. I would love to work with you. And if you are looking for more free support, come and follow me on social media, you can find me on Facebook, Tik, TOK, and instagram at maryannwalker.life and you can find all my contact information in the show notes that we can connect on those other platforms as well. And Hey, if you are enjoying this podcast, I encourage you to leave me a rating and review. It really does help other people to find me and let other people know if this content might be helpful for them as well. All right. So I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon. Bye now.