Boundary Setting as a Highly Sensitive Person

There are particular struggles that highly sensitive people (HSP's) might experience as they work towards balance and boundary setting.

What You'll Learn:

• The unique challenges of boundary setting for highly sensitive people 
• How to recognize when you need to state a boundary
• Techniques for emotional regulation before and after stating a boundary
• How to effectively state a boundary both verbally and non-verbally
• Navigating the emotional aftermath if someone is upset by your boundary

 Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial for highly sensitive people to create sustainable and healthy relationships, and it involves emotional regulation, clear communication, and consistent follow-through.

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Listen to episode 42: When the relationship is complete

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Transcript

0:17

Well, hello and welcome back. My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for empath and highly sensitive people. And today we're going to be talking about boundaries specifically, as they pertain to highly sensitive people. What does it look like as you're preparing to state a boundary, how do you actually state a boundary and how do you navigate your emotions after you've stated the boundary? If somebody maybe is a little bit upset by what it is that you had to say, but first I want to encourage you to please subscribe to this podcast. I have a lot of new new listeners here, and I am really excited about the content we're going to have here moving forward. So make sure that you're subscribed on whatever platform it is that you're listening from so that you can be updated on that. And also as you're listening, if you feel the need to comment or to like, or to share feel free, it really does give me a boost in the algorithms and helps me to reach more people and add to this beautiful community that we have here. So feel free to do all that. I would just so appreciate it. So, as I said earlier today, we're going to be talking about boundary setting as a highly sensitive person. There really are some unique challenges that come from boundary setting when you are a highly sensitive person. I'm sure that you've noticed that for some people it's like, wow, they're really good at boundary setting, but I find that for empaths and highly sensitive people, sometimes we really struggle with boundary setting. So I'm hoping that it can be very supportive for you. And if you have any questions or want me to dive deeper, of course, send me a message and let me know. I would. I love to be able to show up and love and support for you with wherever you are at. So to start, let's talk about what does it feel like for a highly sensitive person when they recognize that they need to state a boundary? Boundary setting really can be a challenge for this population, because so often when you do have such a high degree of empathy and compassion for other people, and when you're so highly attuned and highly sensitive to other people's emotional states, We feel a lot of responsibility to make sure that they're all feeling good because it directly impacts us. If they're sad, if they're mad if they're happy, we feel things so deeply. That it can be really easy for us to get lost in their emotions. And so sometimes what happens is we think if we can just manage their emotions, then we will start to feel better inside of us. And so we might not be stating a boundary because we think, well, if I say something it's going to upset them. So I just won't rock the boat. And then everything will be okay. So it makes sense that you want everybody to be happy. But because we want everybody to be happy. It can kind of create a little bit of discomfort for highly sensitive people when they need to state a boundary, it can create a lot of anxiety because they maybe don't know what to say or maybe create some fear of abandonment. Thinking, well, what happens if they're offended by my stating of boundary, I'm changing the dynamic of this relationship, what is going to happen? It really can stir up a lot of emotions. And you might even notice that you have a very visceral response in your body at the idea of stating a boundary, maybe you're experiencing tightness in your chest, or maybe your breathing is faster and more shallow. Maybe you find that physically you're making yourself smaller. You're hunching over your shoulders and kind of making yourself smaller. Maybe your voice is even quivering a little bit. So if this is you just kind of acknowledge it, become curious about it, and that could really help to shift that energy. You are trying something new and it can feel a little bit scary when you're trying something new. But here's what I really want you to think about is you already know what your life is going to be like if you don't state your boundary, because that's exactly why you're in the situation that you're currently in. You know what is going to happen in your life if you do not state the boundary. And you have probably also come to the conclusion that something needs to change. That this is not sustainable for you. And it might require a tiny bit of discomfort in order to get to the other side, but that discomfort is 100% worth it. And just because you might feel a little bit scared or insecure as you're stating your boundary just because you're feeling a little bit uncomfortable. It's still does not mean that you've made a wrong choice or that you're a bad person or that you've done anything wrong. It just means that you're trying something new and this is what it can sometimes feel like when you're trying something new. I know that for myself, there really happened a few occasions in my past where the idea of stating a boundary or even an opinion was really nerve wracking for me. And it would really put me into a panicked state.'cause, I didn't know how to navigate it. If the other person felt differently, if they had a different perspective. If they were upset by my boundary. I felt really insecure in that.. And I know I'm not alone in that. I know that for a lot of you that are listening that fear and that anxiety can really keep you stuck. So, what this looks like with this population is they do not stay their boundaries right out of the gate. Instead, they try to see how much they can accommodate other people until they hit their breaking point. And once they recognize that, okay, I am so uncomfortable and this is not sustainable for me, then they decide to state their boundary. And creating that change. It can be a little bit uncomfortable in the beginning, as you're learning how to navigate things in a way that feels more natural and more authentic to you. So I want to share with you a few common reasons for not stating a boundary that I hear in my coaching practice.. And honestly, I really truly could do an entire episode. On each of these individual thoughts. And if there's interest in that, I totally can do that for you. but for today, I'm just going to briefly go over some of the fearful thoughts that keep us stuck and I'm also going to be pairing them up with a more supportive thought. Okay. So I'm going to be sharing the limiting belief and then something else that is also true to kind of help to shake those limiting beliefs loose and create something that is more supportive for you. So if, as you're listening, if any of these thoughts resonate with you, take a mental note and Hey, feel free to bring it to a coaching call so that we can work through it. So here are a few common reasons that I hear in my practice for not stating a boundary."But what if it upsets them?" Now, this is a really common one. We're worried that the other person is going to be upset. So what I want you to remember if you're thinking and being very concerned about, but what if the other person gets upset? I want you to remember that you are currently the one who is upset. You are now needing to put a boundary into place because you are currently the one who is uncomfortable. So if somebody is going to be uncomfortable, either way, Why not choose into the discomfort that is going to create lasting change by actually stating that boundary. All right. Another limiting belief. I just want to keep my head down and keep the peace." Now with this one, I want you to notice that what we're telling ourselves is that we are creating peace by not making any waves, but I also want to point out that you are currently not experiencing peace. Again, that discomfort that is letting you know that you need to place a boundary that is letting you know that you are not experiencing inner peace. So just be aware of that sneaky one, that your brain is going to say. If I just keep my head down, I will keep the peace. But really you are not creating any peace for yourself by remaining silent. All right. Another limiting belief,"their wants and needs are more important than mine." Now, there are"some situations in life where the gravity of somebody else's situation is such that you do want to intentionally prioritize their wants and needs. However, that is not what we are talking about here. What we're talking about here is when you have made it a pattern in relationship to prioritize their wants and needs when really your wants and needs are just as valid as the next persons. Also notice if you are essentially using this as an excuse to not state a boundary, we like to think that it is so noble and good to say, oh no, it's the good thing for me to do to prioritize them and their wants and wishes right now. But notice if you're using that as an excuse, so you don't have to actually state a boundary. Because when you're doing that, you are in fact neglecting your own self and when your own needs are neglected, it's going to lead to that anger, frustration and resentment in relationship, and that doesn't actually serve the relationship. So notice if you have these things sneaking in thinking that you're being the kind person. And then notice what emotions those actions are leading to. And are they actually supportive for that relationship Your wants and needs are at least as valid as the next person's and it's okay to express your wants and needs because sometimes expressing your wants and needs is the only way to bring it to the other person's attention and put it on their radar so that you can actually get your wants and needs met. All right. Another limiting belief. I don't know who I'll be anymore if I don't cave to their will. If I'm not a people pleaser, I'm probably going to become a big jerk. Now, this one is surprisingly common. It's amazing how many people that have been people pleasers their whole lives are really worried that if they state a boundary or if they tell somebody no, that they're now instantly going to become a big fat jerk. Now I want you to know it is super duper rare for somebody who is so highly sensitive to other people's emotional states to just suddenly swing the pendulum all the way to the other side and become a big fat jerk. And also sometimes it's actually the jerky thing to do to not state a boundary. Because not having boundaries, it's going to lead to that anger and that resentment and anger and resentment, you're going to act like a jerk through those emotions more than likely, right? Those emotions are there to teach you that something is not sustainable and that something needs to change. And addressing those before they really get really big and explosive will help you to navigate things in a bit more peaceful way and actually create more peace in relationship. So just be aware of that one. All right. And then the last limiting belief that we're gonna address today is,"but love and friendship means personal sacrifice." Now, this one sounds really good on the surface and really altruistic. Right? We think that, yeah, this is the right thing to do. We sacrifice for each other, but I also want you to ask yourself, is there a balance around the sacrifice? Are both parties kind of taking turns to support each other or are you actually contributing to even further imbalance in a relationship in the name of love and friendship by continuing to self sacrifice. And if only one person is sacrificing for the relationship, is that really love and friendship. Real love and real friendship creates balance and something that is more sustainable for both parties. So notice if there's balance and reciprocation or if you were unintentionally creating imbalance, which again is going to lead to that anger, frustration and resentment. So much of boundary setting is emotional regulation. And more than likely if you're an empath or a highly sensitive person, you've probably become very good. At regulating other people's emotions for them. But for some people regulating other people's emotions is actually the only way that they know how to regulate their own emotions. And that's what I see quite often in my practice is if somebody is having a hard time regulating their own emotions, they're trying to control everything outside of them so that they can feel better. So they're walking on eggshells so that their partner doesn't become upset and lash out at them. Or they're not stating boundaries. Everybody else is happy, but then they find themselves being angry and resentful. So just kind of notice if this is something that is coming up for you. And I also want to alleviate any shame that you might be experiencing because of this. It's totally normal to want people around you to be happy. It's totally fine. And guess what? This has worked very well for you your whole life. And I totally get it. I have been there and it worked really well for me to manage and regulate everybody else's emotions until it didn't. So the truth is the other people are going to do what they're going to do. And while we can have influence on them, we cannot control other people. And eventually we will have a day where the other person they're not responding in the way that we think that they should be responding when we're taking something to them. And then it's up to us to learn how to regulate our own emotions around that. I remember a time when I was really kind of struggling with regulating my own emotions. When I was having a conversation with somebody and they had a difference of opinion. And for me, I felt so much passion around the subject that their having a difference of opinion was really hard for me to navigate. And I found my breathing was changing and I was really having a hard time in that moment. But now I know with the tools that I've gained through coaching, that that was because I just didn't know how to regulate my own emotions. So when you learn how to regulate your own emotions, then the people outside of you, it doesn't matter what it is that they're doing. You can still experience internal peace, which is a really beautiful thing. So around emotional regulation, I want to offer up three ways that you can work to really regulate your own emotions. And I encourage you to do these things before you go in and state a boundary just to help to create that calm and that clarity. So the first tip I have for you is to breathe. And that sounds so simple, but trust me. Just breathe. I did an entire episode with Janna McKinney on breathwork. I will link that in the show notes, but one of the things that she said in there is that breath is extremely powerful in that you can tell how someone is feeling by how they are breathing. Our breath influences our feelings and our feelings influence our breathing. And so by noticing your breath, it can really help to calm those emotions. So if you find yourself feeling especially stressed or anxious, take some deep, slow belly breaths, breathe all the way in and you actually get bonus points. If you could hear your breath. So for example, you breathe in. And then as you exhale. Making an audible sigh. It can give your subconscious, the cue to relax and to calm the nervous system that it's going to be. Okay. So practice your breathing. All right. Tip number two is journal. See what is coming up for you, actually name your emotions, and that can help them to lose their grip on you. And bonus points if as you're journaling and naming your emotions, if you can actually separate out your thoughts from the facts. So for example, maybe you're telling yourself, well, they were quiet after I stated at my boundary, so now that means that they are mad at me. Now, if they did not tell you explicitly that they were mad at you, then that's just a story you might be trying to Intuit how it is that they're feeling. But I want you to really separate out your thoughts or your story about it from the actual facts. And so something more accurate might be, I stated my boundary. And they were quiet, period. End of sentence. And your brain is going to want to tell you that? Oh, well, they're mad at me. But it might also be true that they're just thinking, or maybe they're processing that"oh, they just stated a boundary and they've never done this before. I'm not sure what to do with this." Right. There are lots of reasons. Why they might be quiet. There could be lots of different things going on for them, but just noting that okay, but all I know for sure right now, the only facts I have are that I stated a boundary and they got quiet and you don't have to make it mean anything negative about you. All right. Tip number three for emotional processing. Process it in the body. Emotions are just a vibration in your body. So giving the emotion a name and then seeing how it feels in your body is a great way to process it. And doing this encourages us to slow it down a little bit and actually acknowledge what it is that's coming up for us because sometimes the brain and the body, they go into overload. Because so much is happening at once. So we might be experiencing fear, insecurity, pride and curiosity all at the same time, the first time that we're stating a boundary and that can feel really disorienting when you're experiencing all of those emotions at the same time. So really slowing it down a little bit and dedicating even just 90 seconds to each of those emotions, to get really curious about how they feel in your body can really help us to emotionally self-regulate and find a bit more calm and clarity. Okay. So now that we've talked about emotional processing, now we're going to talk about how to actually state. A boundary. Now you can state a boundary in one of two ways, you can either express your boundary verbally, or non-verbally so verbally communicating a boundary. It's going to be stating an if then statement. So you're not going to be saying"you can't do this to me" instead. You would be saying,"if you choose to do this, I will choose to respond in this way." So, for example, some boundaries that you might state are:"if you continue to yell at me, I will leave the room.""If you threaten my safety in the home, I will leave.""If you call me after business hours, I will not be answering the phone.""If I do not have 24 hours notice I will not be able to accommodate you. if you do not make an explicit request for my support, then I will just assume that you don't need me. And I won't be showing up." And of course the nonverbal communication, it's going to be your follow through. It's going to be the actions that you're going to take. So maybe you don't need to say anything about what's happening. You just decide to leave the room when you're yelled at. You decide to leave the unsafe space. You decide that you're not going to answer the phone after business hours Or that you're not going to accommodate somebody without 24 hours notice. And you get to decide what it is that is needed for the relationship that you are in. I find that for me, most of the time, I actually state a boundary verbally. And then from then on out, then I just let my actions do the talking. I don't have to keep having conversations about it. And that being said, sometimes you don't need to actually state your boundary at all. So for example, I don't need to tell anybody that if they just walk over and slap me in the face, that I'm going to leave that space and I'm going to call the police, I can just choose to do that. I do not have to tell them, oh, you must respect my boundary. I'm not going to tolerate that. I can just let my actions do the talking. But whether you choose to state the boundary verbally or non-verbally, then the follow through is key. Too often than people they'll state a boundary, but then rather than following through on the boundary, then they choose instead to invest their energy into telling the other person that they've crossed their boundary. So, for example, let's say that you've let your friend know that, okay. I'm not going to be answering the phone after the kids are in bed, because that's my downtime. That's my sacred time. And I need that time. I can't be talking on the phone after this time. So if after you communicate that if they call you after bedtime and you answer the phone and you tell them, Hey, you are so disrespectful. I told you not to call after nine o'clock. Then guess what? It's actually you, who was breaking your own boundary. So if you want them to respect your boundary of"me time" after the kids are in bed, it is up to you. To respect it and actually not pick up the phone. Okay. The responsibility is now on you. They're free to do whatever they want to do. They could call you as many times as they want and you get to choose what you're going to do about it. You can turn your phone off, you can just leave it there just don't answer the phone, but the follow-through is up to you. Remember that a boundary is an if then statement and that the follow through is key and up to you. Okay. So now that we know how to process emotions before we state a boundary and how to state a boundary, let's talk about how to navigate it. When somebody is upset by your stating a boundary. And I want you to know after you've stated your boundary, it is just as important to do your emotional processing as it was before you stated the boundary. Okay. So it's kind of like a sandwich before you state your boundary, do your emotional processing then in the middle, there's the, if then statements. And then if they have a negative reaction to it, do your emotional processing. ok, you're going to be doing that before. And after. If you are new to stating boundaries, it might take some time for everybody to adjust. So have some compassion for both parties there. It may be new for everybody. They might not know what to do when you stated boundary, but allow some space for grace there so that everybody can learn to adjust to these new boundaries. And one thing that you can really do to help to support you in this is remind yourself that the previous way of doing things, it was unsustainable for you. You were uncomfortable enough that you decided that you needed a state of boundary. Use that as information. When we're feeling uncomfortable after we stated the boundary, our tendency is to just let go of our boundaries and go back to how things were before. But remember you stated a boundary because that was not sustainable for you. So remind yourself why you stated your boundary and then that can really help you to just feel more at peace, even if the other person is upset. So think about what it is that you value and what it is that you're working to create. Because more than likely you set a boundary either for personal safety or to make this relationship more sustainable for you. Okay. So your brain is going to want to tell you that if they are upset about your boundary, that it's because you did it wrong or it's because you're a mean person now, right? You went from being super nice to super mean super quick. It's going to go into freak out mode. So remind yourself of your why, and that can help to bring you a lot more peace. For example, remind yourself that. Okay. I told them my boundary around how late we can hang out. Because I know that I'm a better friend partner parent when I'm able to budget my time accordingly. I told them my boundary around texting me during the Workday, because I value being able to provide for my family. And they're texting me during the Workday and distracting me from what it is that I'm getting paid to do. It might compromise that. And I know that that's, what's most important to me. Or maybe I told them my boundary around how often I can come to their home to help out. Because I know if I continue to go over, as often as I was, first of all, I might be enabling instead of actually helping, but also I was starting to feel resentful going over as often as I was. And so I value this relationship. And so I need to limit how much I go over there so I can limit my own burnout and my own compassion, fatigue, so I can continue to show up. The reason why you felt the need to state a boundary in the first place is because things were not working for you. And the people that really truly do care about you. They're going to want something that is more sustainable for you. And it's going to give you a significant amount of information when you see how people respond to your boundaries. Most people are going to be fine with it. And I'm going to say that again, most people are going to be just fine with their stating a boundary. Some people, they might struggle a little bit because it's something that they're not used to, but they will eventually come to respect your boundaries. Now that being said, yes, of course there are going to be some people that are not going to respect your boundaries. And when that happens, just use it as information so that you can decide where it is that you want to invest your time and your energy. I did do an episode on here a while back about how to navigate things when a relationship is complete or when you're just kind of done in that space. I'll post a link to that in the show notes if you do find yourself in a situation where your boundaries are not being respected and it is time to end that relationship. But again, I just want to reassure you that most people are good people and they also want to make the relationship sustainable. And so they will actually respect your boundaries. So, in summary, I want you to kind of think about this as a boundary setting sandwich. So you're going to do your emotional regulation before stating the boundary, recognizing why it is that you're going to set the boundary in the first place, recognizing what is, and is not working for you and thinking through what would my, if, then statement be?. Then in the middle, you're going to actually state your, if then statement. And remember you can do this verbally or non-verbally, but your follow through is key. Make sure that you are following through with what it is that you're going to do. It is not their job to maintain your boundary. It is your job to maintain your boundary. And then we're going to close that sandwich again with more emotional regulation and reminding yourself of your why and what is most important to you. When we're focusing more on what it is that we want to create, it can help to bring us a lot. More piece as we navigate those challenging times, but we're actually working to express our boundaries. Emotions are going to come up, but tuning into your body and remembering your why can help. So, Hey, if this brought up some questions for you, if you're recognizing that you might need a little bit more support. When it comes to discerning how to state a boundary or enforcing your boundary or navigating your emotions around somebody's disappointment around your boundary, come and work with me. I would love to work with you. You can find all my contact information in the show notes, but feel free to come and work with me. And Hey, while you were in the show notes, check out all the links to my social media. I would love to connect with you on more platforms and over on my social media. I'm able to dive into these things a little bit deeper and also create some little soundbites for things just as reminders throughout the week for what it is that you can focus on. So make sure you check that out as well. All right. Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon. Bye now.