Owning Your Peace by Owning Your Piece: Identifying Your Role in Healthy Relationships with Kellyn Legath

 In this episode, we sit down with Kellyn Leggath, a relationship coach and close friend, to explore how imbalances in relationships can affect highly sensitive people and empaths. Together, we discuss how crucial it is to recognize these imbalances and take responsibility for our part in maintaining healthy connections. If you’ve ever felt drained or overwhelmed in your relationships, this conversation will help you navigate those feelings with more clarity and compassion.

What You’ll Learn:

• How to identify common signs of imbalance in your relationships.
• The impact of overextending yourself emotionally as a highly sensitive person.
• Why asking for support is vital and how to overcome feelings of guilt or shame around it.
• The role of emotional intelligence in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
• Strategies for handling miscommunication and avoiding taking things too personally.
• The importance of radical honesty and vulnerability in relationships.
• How to stop overowning and start letting go of unnecessary emotional burdens.
• Ways to view relationships as mirrors that reflect your own areas for growth.
• Practical tips for fostering self-awareness and emotional maturity in your connections.

Taking ownership of your part in any relationship is essential for creating balance and fostering growth. By recognizing and addressing imbalances, setting healthy boundaries, and approaching relationships with emotional integrity, you can build deeper, more fulfilling connections. Remember, it’s about releasing what isn’t yours to carry and embracing what is truly yours to nurture.

Looking for support as you navigate life as an empath or  highly sensitive person? Come and work with me! Click below to get started:
 
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Transcript

0:18

Well, hello and welcome back. I wanted to share with you a recent interview that I did with Catherine and Brian. Bovino over in their podcast to thriving with the Bovie nose. They share different ways to thrive and just enjoy life. And so I thought I would share here. So I hope you enjoy. Hi, I'm Catherine and I am Brian and we are Thriving with the Bobinos. On today's episode, we talk with Marianne Walker. Marianne discusses her experience as a coach for empaths, healers, and people pleasers. She shares strategies for breaking the cycle of people pleasing, conquering limiting beliefs, and mastering the art of manifestation. So come on, everybody, let's put our energy together and we, here we go. Well, thank you for joining us, Marianne. I have to say I love your energy and I I can see it coming through now and it comes through, through all of your, what you put out there on social media and everything is even. So I just have to say that from the start, that that's what drew me in to following all the things that you're doing. So I appreciate you being here. Well, thank you so much. Yeah. And I've been loving your content too. I love all of the overlap. I think our audiences definitely have some overlap and can benefit from each other. So yeah, I'm excited to be here. We're big fans and I love that you're just like, put yourself out there, like you're dancing around and it's great. And I think the hardest. Part for me is to be authentic, to show up as who you want to be, not who you think you should be. And I think that's how you get real followers is kind of that authentic self, which we can clearly see as you. Thank you so much. Yeah, it definitely takes a little courage for sure. So your empath coach, healer, life coach, and people pleaser coach. How does that start? Where did this come from? Where did this evolve from? I guess tell us, how did you get started with all that? Yeah, so I really identify as an empath and a helper, healer, people pleaser, like that's totally who I am and, and I kind of realized that all of those populations have some overlap there where they oftentimes find themselves experiencing the compassion fatigue, the burnout, the struggling to find themselves in those balanced reciprocal relationships that we're all seeking, because there's just so much output. And it can be a struggle to find that input. And so that was my own personal struggle, was me just working through all of that. And then I thought, you know what? Like, that's who I want to help and to serve, is that population. So that's really how I fell into it, was just me realizing my own burnout and trying to work through that myself. Was this something early on, a gift you knew you had from when you were a child? Or what was, like, how did you know you had that? empath kind of energy healer part of your life that I guess when you're younger probably comes across as you're different or you feel awkward or you view things or experience things differently than maybe your peers. Was that something you found out when you were young? Or how did that come come across? Yeah, it was kind of an interesting experience because I think for a lot of people, then they do recognize it early on. But for me, I really didn't know. What was happening? Like I thought, well, I am just super emotional. My emotions are all over the place. I didn't even realize how much I was picking up on other people's energies until my adult life, like probably in my late 30s. Then I was like, oh, this is a thing. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just really sensitive to other people's energies and emotions. And it just explained so much. And so, yeah, so I don't really know, honestly, if it's always been that way for me and I just didn't have a name for it or if it's something that showed up later as I was getting more into meditation and yoga and those things, if it was a gift that came later. But my realization didn't come until much later in life. And so, yeah, so it's been kind of a wild ride there. Did you have a career in something else prior to this? Yeah, yeah, so I worked as a reflexologist for a while and as an energy practitioner and, and so, I'm still in those giving realms, right, where I'm, I'm serving a lot and, and helping and healing other people. And so it was really interesting to just see, yeah, okay, this is, this is my new path. You know, as I was doing the energy healing, I had that realization that really, you know, I'm, Healing can be as quick as a thought. And so if I can just help people with their thought work, it's amazing to see how quickly that energy can shift just by simply changing one thought. That is so true. Yeah, definitely. Were you doing specific modalities like Reiki or anything like that or was it more of that coaching energetic healing? You know, I kind of just melded together all of the things that I had kind of just studied over the years And so yes As I said, it really started with the reflexology and I realized I was picking up on things as I was doing sessions That was outside of the physical sensations that I was feeling in their feet and on their on their little receptor sites there And so yeah, so it was really just kind of an evolution there You We had a, well, I had a life changing experience when we were in California and Catherine took me to this empath healer in Temecula, California. And I was like, Oh, here we go. You know, what is this going to be about? Why are you doing this? And how much is this going to cost? He did say that. And it really was life changing. It really changed my outlook and perspective on the universe, myself, energy, the whole experience was just like, wow, blown away. And we had the chance to have Kara on our podcast as well. And she, she really shared a lot about her process and it was so fascinating and she felt like she could. Right, that she felt weird and awkward and different and struggled with how to use that energy and it was, like you said, very exhausting for her because it was constantly somebody would come to the room where she'd see somebody at the grocery store, she'd get their energy and almost felt obligated to have to share. Yeah, what she felt or what she was receiving or and then she eventually had to practice that Turning it off and and showing up herself versus that healer and it was a real struggle for her So definitely can see the need for For your position, what you're doing and that services you offer. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Which leads into that people pleasing energy, right? Where when I'm feeling things that other people are experiencing and I just want to fix it. Right. Okay. Now I feel this duty and obligation to jump in and help out. And so, yeah, I can totally relate to that of having to set my own energetic boundaries and And learning how to know when it is my job to step in and help somebody and when that would instead be more enabling rather than helping because maybe they need to learn through this and need to learn how to overcome this on their own. Uh, so yeah, that was definitely a huge catalyst for me as well. Yeah, yeah, and I definitely, I identify, like I shared with you, as a recovering people pleaser. I'm working in progress. But I, I think that's it of feeling the energy of what's going on around you and wanting to make it right and wanting to fix it and wanting to just, everything just to, you know, settle and be calm, but you have to kind of. Be an acceptance of what's happening. And like you said, find the balance of whether it's something you should be helping with or just letting them figure it out on their own because it's their learning process. But it's hard if you're sensitive to what people are feeling. I think we all kind of feel that energy, right? When you walk into the room, there's definitely an energy in the room where you meet somebody, right? Like we can tell immediately just, Through the computer you have a, a, a, a sparkling energy, I don't know, it's just like, it, it, it goes through the computer, it's really, it's fascinating. It does, it's amazing, or you do, yeah. I don't know, we do, maybe, maybe like all these guys. What does that look like for you? Do you see colors, or do you feel something? Is it different with different people? I guess, what's, what's your experience with that? Yeah, yeah, it is very different with different people and it's interesting when I did first start meditating then it became more of a visual experience for me where I would see colors, I could see the chakras and I could see the aura and where there might be, you know, something in their energy field that was impacting them. And so I could ask and inquire about that. And now it's kind of just more subtle impressions. Where I might just get a feel for things. And, and as you said, a lot of people really are sensitive to this and it's all to varying degrees, right? It's on a scale. And so it might be that we're just more sensitive to people's micro expressions. Or we can just feel when we walk into a room if somebody's just had a fight or, or if something's going on in there. And so we all do have the sensitivity and everybody can develop it. And I find that, that, yeah, it really does just take that practice of tuning in and saying, okay, so, like, what's coming up for me? But so much of it is also learning how to manage and navigate your own emotions. Because when we're have everybody else's energy around us, what I didn't realize in the beginning was, I wanted to help everybody else because I felt uncomfortable with them having their feeling and them having their experience, but it was really about my own discomfort. And so, you know, as we step out into the world and we're wanting to help other people, it's a good and it's a beautiful thing, but I realized that, oh, I might actually really be enabling a lot of people because I'm over owning it, but it's because of my own discomfort rather than about what is actually best for them. I think that's, that's very common that if somebody is uncomfortable, I try to make them feel better. I try to make them laugh. And sometimes, you know, I take that on as my responsibility. Because we're uncomfortable with the discomfort and their emotional experience. Yeah. So if we're, if we're experiencing that and wanting to fix it and wanting it, how does it relate to the people pleasing? And how do you differentiate when to support? And help versus Oh, I'm just doing this for myself for my own discomfort to fix it to people. Please. I don't want them not to like me. I want to feel better. I want the you know, fix fix fix. How do we differentiate between the two? Oh, it's exhausting to do that in the beginning, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Constantly checking in with yourself. Okay. What are my motives right now? And what's coming up for me? Because it does take that practice to really identifying yourself. Okay. Okay. Why do I want to step in number one? Did they ask me because so often we jump in to help people and they haven't even asked for our help. They might not actually want our form of help. They might just want a listening ear. They might just want a little bit encouragement that they can actually do the thing but we feel this duty and obligation that no, but I must step in and so checking in with yourself that okay, but what is actually needed? Have they made a request? What would be the best form of help right now? And am I jumping in because I feel uncomfortable? Or am I approaching it through that love? Like really identifying what's the difference between showing up in love and what's the difference between that and showing up through that lens of people pleasing. And so when we're showing up through that love, we know internally that I'm just doing this out of the kindness of my heart because I just genuinely love them and I want what's best for them. And that's a very different motive than the people pleasing where it's like, I just have to manage everybody's emotions so that I feel a little bit better. And maybe I'll also get a little bit of external validation that, Oh, hey, you're so wonderful and you did such a great job and I so appreciate you. So really checking in with yourself on your motives can be one big way to figure out, Okay, am I showing up in people pleasing or am I showing up in genuine love and concern for those around me? But it can be tricky to tell the difference in the beginning. Yeah, I love that of checking in on your motivation. And do you think that there's some deeper work that needs to go there as well? Some deeper stuff we got to get to before it even become aware of our motives? Oh, absolutely. I mean, so much of this might even go back to childhood, right, where we have been taught that it's my job to make sure that nobody gets upset because I don't like what happens when mom gets upset or dad gets upset. And so it goes back into that really early childhood where we have now identified that it is our job. To manage everybody else's emotions, even adults that should be able to manage and navigate their own emotions. Now we as a child have taken that on. But when we're jumping ahead to trying to manage everybody else's emotions, we're neglecting learning how to manage our own. And that's just a huge piece of people pleasing is just learning how to manage and navigate your own emotions, how to calm your own nervous system so that you can show up in that more clean place of, okay, now I know that I am calm and now that helps me to see things a little bit more clearly, right when we're acting. Emotionally when we're showing up through people through that emotional reactivity, it kind of clouds our lenses a little bit We might not actually be seeing things very clearly But when we're able to calm our own selves and make sure that we are in a calm and clear place Then we can show up and that will translate a lot more smoothly into those relationships make them a lot healthier It was about that self regulation piece in our work kids with autism and working with the parents You have to be in a good space before you can help anybody or teach You Anybody so it sounds yeah, it's all kind of that underlying self care showing up with that regulated kind of Not in that reactivity, fight or flight mindset. Takes a lot. Yeah. Takes a lot of work for myself. We almost have to re parent ourselves too. I love that term. Re parenting yourself. Yeah. Doing that inner child work. Seeing where those wounds or those things might have come up. How you, why you might be reacting in those ways. Why your nervous system is getting so dysregulated. So doing that work. But what about, I just listened to your podcast with your kids talking about, you know, their recommendations, which is awesome. And they're, they're amazing. You should listen to it. I mean, everybody should listen to it. Jeez. I'm not targeting you. And the kids are giving their recommendations on how she should parent? To parent your child to not be a people pleaser. And I feel like one of the things I always say to our kids is like, you're not responsible for other people's emotions. Yeah, one of our, well, both of them kind of go back and forth and sometimes, you know, they're, when the other one's upset, they're kind of, I feel like they're trying to navigate our, or trying to make us feel better, like, I love you, mommy. And it's like, it's okay. I'm all right. I'm, you know, I'm going to work through it. You're not responsible for my emotions. Yeah. Do you have any tips for us as parents or anyone out there on how do you teach your children to not become a people pleaser? How do you guide them on that process? Right? Allowing your children to see that, oh, guess what, I have to call and tell them that I can't do the thing that they wanted me to do, and they're going to be a little bit disappointed, and it's going to be okay. You know, sharing those experiences with your kids where they're able to see that, oh, Wow. Like, okay, now I can see how to say no. I can see that it's okay if somebody's upset, that not everything is on your shoulders, that it's okay to, when someone else is feeling disappointed in our no, and also to model what does it look like when, you know, mom or dad is upset. It can be really easy to slide into that teaching our kids to people, please, right, where it's like. Well, you need to do this to make mommy happy. It's like, Oh, just be aware of that, that, Hey, it'd be great to help out. Or, or I'm feeling a little bit low today, kind of modeling what it looks like for you. So if you are having a rough day talking with your kid about it, you're like, Hey, you know what? Mom's having a rough day. And it's going to be okay, but I know when I'm having a hard time, these are some things that I do that help me to feel better. What do you do for yourself when you're having a hard time? What helps you to feel better? Just to help your child to think through, okay, yeah, I can manage and navigate my own emotions, and it's not my job to fix it if mom and dad are upset. It's a huge lesson. It comes up in little subtle ways. But what a gift to give your child to let them know that I can learn how to manage my own emotions and that also empowers them that, oh, that means that I can also learn how to manage and navigate my emotions, right? And you're sharing your internal process, your dialogue externally so they can learn from that, not just, you know, leave me alone or I need space, but the why, a lot of the work we do, sharing the why, not just the what, some very similar where. This is what's going on. This is why what's going on. These are the steps I'm taking to navigate this. And, and I think that's modeling. They're learning from you doing that process and sharing it with them. Not just, yeah, yeah, exactly. And even just giving names to your emotions, you know, most people, they know three emotions. They know sad, mad, and glad. But when you can actually tell your kids, okay, well, right now I'm feeling a little bit insecure or a little bit anxious or. I'm feeling excited and sometimes excitement really feels a lot like anxiety. But helping them to identify the difference between those two, and sometimes you're experiencing all of those emotions at the same time, but giving kids the vocabulary and talking with them about, okay, what does that feel like in your body? What purpose does it serve? What do I do when I'm experiencing those emotions? It's such a gift. Yes. Yeah. I loved that. This sounds like something I would do at the dinner table. Having a book of emotions or something, the dictionary, and you'd go through and pick one and talk about it. And it, I I'm always. Brian jokes, I'm always teaching some kind of lesson at the dinner table, but it's like that. It's conversational. It's not like, it's not like a lecture, but it's like, hey, let's look in this book. And, you know, so what is that book? Because I want to get it. Yeah, so it's just called the Dictionary of Emotions. And, and very simplified. But yeah, but it was so neat to just see that it gives the emotions a name. And then it has a description for what does that emotion mean? And then it can be so helpful. Like you said to just talk about it around the dinner table. It's different when we're in the emotion and trying to talk about it versus out of the emotion and talking about it. And so it's great to model it when you were in the emotion. How are you navigating it? But also it can be great when you're out of the emotion to talk about it because then you're not as attached to it in the moment. And then to really just have it be more conversational. Kids might not want to talk about it when they're actually feeling the emotion, but they might be able to reflect back in hindsight that, Oh, that's what that was. Yeah, I do know that feeling. And just opening up that curious dialogue, it's a lot of Your mean coming from. And they're young, they're young, but, but then it, Oh, why, I wonder why you're feeling that way, you know, and I could see it's shutting down and, you know, and not like you said, not wanting to talk about it, but I definitely can see that reflecting afterwards and even sharing, well, I felt flabbergasted when, when this happened last week, this is what I did about it. And that does feel like a lot easier to, to share and. Discuss and kind of work through after the fact. Yeah. Yeah. One, just having that, like you said, that compassionate curiosity is to, Oh, you, you're feeling like I'm being mean right now. Like, like what's going on for you? Like, how come you're feeling this way and, and what does that feel like for you? And, and just having that compassionate curiosity just to help the kids to start to think about it that, Oh, isn't that interesting that, well, yeah, my parents just said it's time to brush teeth. And I'm thinking that they're being mean, but really I'm just disappointed because I really wanted to keep playing my game. So really helping them to think through what's the actual emotion there and stepping out of that sad, mad, glad. And I think that after, when we reflect, that is helpful, but I think having that vocabulary, having that just more extensive, like flabbergasted, like you said, I think they'd have fun with that. But it's, it's so hard even for adults. So I think for me personally, I probably have to draw back my expectations. You know, they're young, they're figuring out what all these things mean in their body and their right, their hormones and all that. So it is complicated and yeah, males from. My father's generation or or past. You didn't talk about emotions, you know, you didn't even share about it. Right. It was you weren't allowed to experience, you buried it and experience. Yeah, yeah. And now it's a whole, yeah. And especially for, yeah, and especially for the men, right? We're told, man up, suck it up. Boys don't cry. Right. There's a lot of stigma to break through there. And so how empowering for you as a father to be invested in teaching that emotional intelligence. I mean, it's great for the moms to do it, and it's so much more impactful for them to see, wow, and dad has feelings too, and breaking that stigma. How empowering. What's, where's the line with people pleasing versus showing up and, you know, being accountable and, you know, respecting of people's time and a good friend and a good husband, you know, that seems to me to be the hard part of like navigating that. And my, you know, I, I want to do things for them, you know, like I'm building a garden, but you know, I have other obligations and my, my, my back effort, if I work too hard, you know, we'll, we'll start to hurt. And so, yeah, what do you share about that? Navigating that kind of that line? Yeah, it does take a lot of self awareness, doesn't it? And really identifying that difference between am I people pleasing or am I genuinely wanting to please people? Like it's not a bad thing to want to make other people happy and to show up in love and kindness, but as you said, when you're able to notice, okay, but am I doing it to the detriment of myself? And the thing with people pleasers is they're very skilled at identifying other people's needs and energy levels and pain tolerance levels. They're very good at doing that for other people. And really practicing turning those skills and those gifts towards yourself and identifying, okay, yeah, you know what, my back is a bit twingy. Maybe it wouldn't be the best idea for me to go and help them move a piano, even though they really want to help out. And so identifying that, okay, yep. How is this going to be impacting me in the long run? Because in the short term, people pleasers think they can do everything. It's like, no, I can absolutely go and help them out and still show up at the PTA and I can still do that and still fix the car and I can do all of these things. It's like, yeah, We tend to bite off a lot more than we can chew. And it really does take practice to even just take just 30 seconds. If somebody sends you a text and makes a request of you to just sit with it for even 30 seconds and think through, okay, if I'm saying yes to this, what would I be saying no to? If I say yes to helping them move that piano, I'm going to be saying no to a strong and healthy back. And really just sit with it that we like to think that we can say yes to everything, but yes and no are always linked when we say yes to something we're always saying no to something else and to slow it down a little bit and think through what would I be saying no to and am I okay with that can help us to feel more confident in both our yeses and our nos. I think I get so much of my value from that. Yeah, my self worth has been from, you know, overworking. Right. I need to avoid my negative thoughts or my, you know, my anxiety, anxiety producing thoughts that now that I'm getting older and age, my body can't keep up anymore. And so I'm finding that I need to flow down and then I'm getting caught in this mind anxiety. And so practicing the mindfulness meditations, yoga and stuff has been kind of a taken a lot. More of a priority, which I think has made this transition a bit easier. Doing some act work is Catherine does a lot of the Reiki and stuff. So yeah, it's a growing process for me for sure. Definitely. And this new stage of my life may I'm 45 this year. Yeah. You see, yikes. Yeah, and it's a process for everybody, right? That we really have to, so often on the people pages, we identify our self worth with what we do for others rather than who we are. And so we do tend to think, but I have to do this or I won't be a good person. I won't be a kind person. We have all these expectations around, well, what does it mean to be a good person or a kind person? And well, nice people do these things. Nice people keep showing up. And so sometimes we think, okay, well, let's just take a little minute and think through, okay, but also how am I being kind to me? What would it look like to also be kind for me? Can I find a way to make this a win win situation? Where it's like, yes, I want to help this person, and I'm physically unable right now. Maybe I know somebody else, or maybe I could chip in for a piano mover. So I keep using a piano as an example, but it works. That's a big, big task, I guess. It sounds really heavy. Yeah, but it's a process for everybody, yeah. So it sounds like, so you're saying, if you're not doing some of those activities, A lot of other anxious thoughts and things are coming up and for me, if I'm not doing, if I'm saying no, I'm having a lot of anxious thoughts about the judgments, maybe that they might, or if I say something, you know, some of my people pleasing comes around, if I speak my truth or I say something, honestly, not, not something mean, but just being really authentic, then later I might be replaying it in my head, you know, and like, Oh, I shouldn't, or what do they think about that? Are they thinking about, you know, like, So what are these thoughts that come up, in whatever form they might be, when we're, maybe that leads to the people pleasing, but that might come up in like shame or guilt or these feelings after we say no, or we speak our truth, how do we deal with that when that's happening? And do you have any recommendations for Oh my goodness, yes, that is a lifelong struggle, right? Yeah, so basically people are basically they're givers or takers a lot of times, right? So when you're a giver, which is generally what the people pleasers are, they're giving so much and so much is going out and then when they hit that level of burnout or compassion fatigue and then they have a need, they need for something else to come back in, it can be really a challenge for them to stay to boundary. And so that's what I work with people a lot on is, guess what, stating a boundary, it doesn't mean that you're a big fat jerk. Just because you've never done it before, it doesn't mean that you're a big fat jerk. So when we're doing something that is just new to us, like stating a boundary or stating an opinion, you know, sometimes even just thinking that, oh, well, I have a different political view than them. So that means that we're now going to be in a fight if I share it. It's like, no, it's okay for you to just have a difference of opinion. But because we haven't actually practiced expressing those differences of opinion, or we haven't actually practiced stating those boundaries, it feels out of alignment, and it can create those feelings of anxiety. And so it really does take a lot of, again, that, that looking inward and thinking, okay, am I looking for external validation or internal validation? Because when we're able to really love ourselves in the same way that we're loving other people and have that internal validation that no, you know what, it's okay. It's okay that you set that boundary. It's okay that you said, no, it can help to minimize that But also just know that discomfort is just a part of it. It's something you've never done before, is actually stated these boundaries and done these things. You're going to be uncomfortable either way, but stating a boundary and leaning into that form of discomfort. is going to actually help you in the long run, right? You're in the short term, you're a little bit uncomfortable, but in the long term you have more peace. But if we keep people pleasing and we never say no in the moment, we think, Oh, this is good. I have delayed feeling a negative emotion, but we've set ourselves up for a situation where now we're actually perpetuating our own discomfort. So knowing, okay, I'm going to be uncomfortable either way, but one form of discomfort is going to bring me long term peace and happiness, and the other form of discomfort is just going to be kicking the can down the road where I'm going to continue to feel uncomfortable. So you have a choice of which discomfort you're going to choose into. Getting comfortable being uncomfortable, right? Yeah. For sure. Yes, for sure. The negative emotion or thought only last less than 90 seconds or something I've heard recently. Yeah. And we put so much resistance around it, right? Yeah. Yeah. We avoid it. Push it away. It's just gonna keep coming back. It's keep, you know, where if we just are present with it, we accept it. We notice it. Let it pass on. Name it. Name it to tame it. Let it pass on by. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that, you know, really living, defining your values and what's important to you. And I like that, the yeses and nos of what am I saying yes to? What am I saying no to? Really, yeah. Seeing if it's in alignment with what's important to you, then you really start to shape your path and your life to live in alignment and to be happier and more comfortable and all of those things and more joyful and live a life that's more meaningful long term, right? Versus continuing to just people please and just keep, you know, yeah. Yeah. Which I know is something that you really work with your audience on is really working on that mindfulness to find that inner peace and find that inner confidence. And yeah, it's so impactful. It's almost like, well, they did this for me. So I almost feel obligated that I have to return the favor. The tit for tat, even in any relationship, it is never a positive outcome. It's never, well, I did this. So you need to do that. Right. And that, that keeps, keep pushing down the road that, that people pleasing and getting over that is, it's some time. Yeah, it's a process learning. We've got some room for growth there. Yeah, yeah, it's definitely a process and that it might be you internally thinking, well, if I do something nice for them, then they'll do something for me. And so we do have these like unspoken expectations. So again, checking in with yourself, like, what is my motive here? Am I doing this hoping for something in return? And if you are hoping for something in return, try just actually asking for it instead of having this silent expectation, because then that's going to lead to resentment. Right? If we just have these silent expectations that never are spoken, and then they don't fulfill our expectation, now we're feeling angry and resentful towards the very people that we were trying to show up in love and support for. So it really does take that mindfulness of, okay, I do want them to do this for me. I'm just going to explicitly ask them, give them an opportunity to give you a yes or a no, so that you can decide how you want to show up. That's a great point. Yeah. How do people get stuck in this cycle, this lane? Where does it come from, you think? Right. Yeah, I mean, it sounds so good on the surface, right? Like, sometimes I'll even tell people that I'm a coach for people pleasers and they say, well, what's wrong with being a people pleaser? Like, no, that sounds like a great thing. Shouldn't we all be people pleasers? That sounds so great. It sounds so noble. You know, we, we, we glorify being self sacrificing. We, we really put that on a pedestal culturally. And now we're starting to see that. Okay. Well, maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be. And in recognizing that difference of showing up in genuine love and kindness versus people pleasing. But yeah, it's so easy to get stuck in that cycle and you're right, it's just a rinse and repeat where we experience our burnout and oftentimes because the people pleaser isn't self aware, then what happens is they're loving and they're serving and they're showing up and then they get burned out and they might make a request for reciprocation. And the other person might even say, Well, you, I, now I can see that you were only doing that to get something in return. And then they feel so guilty that, that they're like, Oh no, I was doing it to get something in return. I was hoping for reciprocation. So then they feel the guilt and the shame and then they think, okay, well, now I need to overcompensate for that. So now I'm going to give and serve even more. And then they're just increasing their own fatigue and their own burnout. And it really is a cycle. But again, it's because oftentimes the givers, they find themselves in relationship with takers and it can be hard to find that balance. And it really does take intentionally looking at, okay, how can I find other givers to be in relationship with? What might it look like for me to maybe not step in? At every single time they have a problem, but allow them to problem solve themselves so that I can minimize my own burnout. It takes so much conscious awareness to step out of that cycle. And I'm still trying to find my way out of it. Sometimes I still find myself. In that cycle, but yeah, it does take a lot of practice for sure. Isn't it one of the love languages too is giving gifts or is one of them, right? But yeah, could that be part like actions? Yeah. Gifts and acts of service. Yeah. So that is under the people pleasing umbrella, I would imagine. But I guess it depends on your motive or your or your intention behind it. Right. Is it because you want the external? You want them to like you, you don't want them to think you're a jerk, all those things. You want it back, that's how you perceive love. You love, so you're gonna give gifts to hopefully get gifts back. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah. And so often we do things thinking, well, I'm just gonna be modeling what it looks like. So I'm gonna model how to show up as a good friend. But again, it's the silent expectation that then they're gonna show up in the same way. But they might just have different default settings in their brain, right? They're gonna show up differently. They don't have your same wiring where they think, oh, now I can see how this person wants to be loved. They might need to be explicitly tall. But yeah, that wiring can make a difference. Is there anything else that you wanted to share about that, um, advice for recovering people pleaser? And that just makes it sound like it's the worst thing ever, right? Recovering. It will be. That's what people say, right? Because it's like, we're in the process of, yeah. Yeah, I will totally call myself a recovering people pleaser, like, yeah, because it is a process. Like, it's not a one and done. We like to think, oh, I'll just have this magic thought and then I'm good to go. It's like, no, like, it really is a process. It really does take that time. That's okay. I was just curious. So you shared about, you know, when is, when are they asking for your help or your guidance and, you know, and drawing that line. I'm very fascinated. Do you see things come to you like somebody has cancer? Is that something you could see or there's something that you notice? And then how could you possibly not be like, Hey man, you should probably go get checked out. That's just something that's so fascinating and curious to me. Like, I don't know if you do or not, but. Or, or maybe it's, you see premonition, premonitions, you see like into the future of like something bad's gonna happen if you do something, or they're gonna get in the car accident, and then you become changing history in the future, and, kind of, God, or whatever. Yeah. Am I getting crazy here? But, I guess. That's a very long winded. Just wondering where you're going. Do you see these things in people, right, because this is, I'm like sitting here thinking she's seeing something in me, and I'm always worried, like, and would they tell me, I hope they would. Yes. Sorry. I'm being true. No, I get it. It's a curiosity thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So for me, I see things in the very present moment, so I can see what's currently going on for them. I don't usually see things that are happening in the future tense. Yeah. But also I think that people, they, they, people are in control of their own energy. So I'm not going to see anything in your energy that you don't want me to see, you know, so, so it's just an interesting thing to observe. There have been some times, like, I remember one time when I was just walking into the store and somebody walked by me in the other direction. I just stopped in my tracks and I thought, what was that? It just felt so strange in my body. And then I had the realization that, oh, that's what schizophrenia feels like. Like, I just thought, well, that was odd. Like I, it was just an awareness as to what's going on. I've had other experiences where, you know, I was doing an energy session on my daughter and I just stopped and I was like, Wait, like, are you in a relationship? Stupid keeping her relationship a secret. She's like, okay, well, yeah, I am dating somebody. That's so like little things. I'm like, oh, well, that's interesting. But it's just that, that curiosity piece. And it's, it's really random for me. It's not really something that I can, can really control. And again, it's just, you know, if somebody really wants me to know something about them, I might have an impression to ask them about something specific, but I'm not going to see everything that's going on for them. It's just kind of, I'll catch glimpses. And sometimes even what I'm reflecting back to them, whatever I have seen in their energy, it's a message that's just for them. So I'll just ask them, okay, like, does that make sense to you? They'll say, oh yeah, that makes sense to me. And I might find out later what it meant, but yeah, energy is a really interesting thing. But I find that even our energy kind of, we, we have that consent. Peace, right? So just gonna be able to come in and be like, I'm gonna tell you all of these magical things about you at least not how it works for me. Maybe or that way, but that's not how it works for me. I know you stole that. Yeah, you have some worry about that. I think it's almost like I'm showing up and you're naked, right? And she could see everything about you and know things that maybe you don't even know about yourself. And I would want to know. So it's not like I'm it's just a vulnerability that I guess If you don't know, you don't know, but if you do know and believe that, all right, they, they're seeing things that I'm not seeing about myself, I would, I would love to know that. Yeah, but I'm not like, you think I'm like hiding stuff or something? What? He's like, do you, yeah, do you know all my darkest secrets? But like, how did you connect that feeling you experienced at the store with schizophrenia and making that connection? Yeah. I don't know, to be honest, but I find that for me, it's, it's really like an ask and receive. So for me, I just really started asking questions. I got really curious about it. So, you know, I might, as I was snuggling with my husband, I would just kind of in my mind, ask the question, what color is his energy? And I would just get curious about it. And then I might ask a follow up question is, okay, what does that mean? I can see that there's like, You know, a brown energy over here. What does it mean? But just really asking the question, letting go of ego and just receiving because ego wants to tell you what it all means, but that's not going to get you where you want to go. So for me, what this is just a random tangent, but for me, that's where I really have relied a lot on muscle testing because muscle testing helps me to let go of my ego and I can just use my fingers and test through my yeses and nos, so I can gain some clarity there, but then I'm able to just. Just, just allow myself to just get information without my ego stepping in, which is a huge challenge to just leave ego out of it. I've been starting to practice a little bit of that, of asking more questions, that way of like, what is it I need to know right now? Like taking the ego out of it, like you said, and Like asking yourself? Yeah, absolutely. Out loud? Yeah, I, it just kind of like, yeah, what is it? Asking the universe? Yeah, either my higher self, the universe, God, the source, whatever it is, and I've been finding that, yeah, you get an answer, and it's, it's, it's very interesting how that, that works, and that was in my, the Reiki training I did, too. They were kind of talking about that, and also journaling in that way. Yeah. What is the message? What is the message I need today, or what is my higher self telling me? And then just, you know, letting it flow and then seeing what kind of messages you have there. So I think that's, yeah, that's a really interesting, does it come to you in like a physical sign on earth or thought or in through your writing? Kind of like a thought or a feeling. Yeah. A sensation probably. Yeah. And when I was doing the Reiki training, it was like mantras that were coming through because it was like, well, what am I, what am I needing to hear right now? And it was like all these like I wasn't controlling the thoughts, the ego was completely gone, it was just coming, yeah, kind of like a thought, I guess, a message. Yeah. And that's how it started for me too, is when I started studying Reiki, then that really started to open up. Reiki and meditation were huge for me when it came to developing those gifts, because I do think all of us are capable of developing it. I learned that when I was read, she had told me that I had a very strong, strong sense in the Palladians, the universe, and the energy they were, she saw a lot of them in me, which was really fascinating. I don't know if you've heard of the Palladian universe, but there's a specific frequency that Hmm. I guess I channel through fast, but she gave me a couple of books and she said, it's a practice. It's a, it's a muscle, you have to work it. And there's things that you can do to develop it. And I always said, I feel like I'm very socially aware of people. And I can really tell pretty quickly, like within 10 seconds of, you know, I'm, I'm going to like them. They're a good person or they're, you know, their energy, uh, or like have premonitions or like feelings or very, yeah. Yeah. And it's just being more sensitive or, or aware when it happens to realize or make the connections. So yeah, explore, explore that more. Yeah, following that intuition. Yeah, something that was helpful for me is I actually have two different journals. So I have my one journal where I write my actual real life in, and then I have another one where I write my energetic impressions. So then I kind of help to distinguish the two, but then it also gives me an opportunity to, you know, show universe. Okay. I'm listening. These are the things that I'm hearing and then I can put dates on those and then see, okay, how is this showing up for me? You know, when you get those impressions, okay, what was the result of following that impression or what was coming up for me there? So that's been very helpful for me to just kind of keep those things a little bit separate to so that I can be a little bit more intentional focusing in on that. I love that. Yeah, and practicing that awareness and practicing tuning in right and I think I think we both started to make a shift when we moved here Tuning into the universal messages that were yeah coming to us because we were living in, California Ten years they're doing great in our careers live in the California lifestyle loving it We had friends there, but something was off for us and something felt kind of Like it needed a shift right but and I I was asking like send me a sign send me a set because we were like should We'd move to Virginia to be closer to the family should we and asking for those signs and being aware of you know And open to them They just kept coming at us Come and come and come and I like kept trying to argue against it, you know But it's like then a letter shows up in our mailbox saying we want to buy your house and then like you think So I think coming here really allowed for us to open up to that, at least I feel, open up to the messages and living more in alignment with what's meant for us or what we make some more meaningful and joyful, right? But it's that practice because it's an ebb and flow to remaining open. Was it like coincidental or is it like everything has a purpose? There's no coincidence, right? There's things intentional. And if you ask for them, oh yeah, it was the mill. Robbins. Remember that podcast? And they were like, if you ask for something and intention and have the energy that it's already happened, you'll see a lot more work being done intentionally. Like I, I want waiting. Her example is like waiting in line for the grocery store and saying to yourself, this other lanes going to open up and you know, and then it opens up, right? And so you're putting that energy into the universe to create your own, not reality, but your own. Manifesting. Manifesting. Yeah, yeah. And you talk about A lot of that in your social media. I love the, yeah, the dirt in the cup and you keep filling it up. And that was a great, great analogy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and surrendering that there might be something even greater than we could imagine. I don't think we even realize how many limits we put on ourselves. I'm currently relisting to a book by Marianne Williamson and something that she said in there that totally goes along with this. She was talking with somebody and they said, Yes, I'm saying it 50, 50 times every night. I'm writing in my journal that I'm going to get a job on this TV show. And she's like, I mean, that's great and all, but you'll probably get on the TV show. And what if then? What the universe really has in store for you is a huge movie role that's so much bigger than that. But we kind of think that we need to tell the universe how to show up for us and, okay, I want exactly these things. And we don't realize how much we're limiting ourselves, but just opening ourselves up to the possibility that, all right, I'm looking for some abundance here and I'm excited to see how it shows up. Like what a different opportunity we can present for ourselves there, right? Where it's like, oh yeah, now I'm open to all of the opportunities rather than limiting myself. Yeah. Super fun experience. Yeah, you can't even think of the possible opportunities that may be far beyond greater. Yeah. I think that's a great point and that's something I've been hearing a lot about and reading a lot about. Yeah. Instead of manifesting, everybody's talking about manifesting now and very specific things like a car or the being on the TV show or whatever it is, but it's like you're limiting yourself really if you do that. And um, that's what, you know, coming here is like having ideas about what we should be doing, you know, shitting ourselves or whatever. It, it limits you instead of just saying I'm open to all possibilities and abundance and more like broader terms and then also what I've been reading is not saying I will be abundant or all of those are, it's more of like I am, I am, I am experiencing this currently versus still being in lack, like I don't have it yet because then the universe will give you more lack, right? Right, right. Yeah, we're going to find whatever it is we're looking for, right? So if it's, I will be one day, we'll see all of the reasons why it will be one day. But when it's, we are now. Yeah. What's your guidance or advice or coaching on the power of mindset and a positive mindset? And how do you guide people through, you know, having the negative thoughts or the self doubt or the shame or whatever? Yeah, what advice do you give? Oh, that's huge, right? So that's mostly what I do day in and day out is help people to identify what are my limiting beliefs. And then just ask yourself, what else is true? Because so often we might have a limiting belief. So maybe our limiting belief is, I'm never going to be able to afford a house, right? And so if that's our limiting belief, your brain is going to fill in all the reasons why you're never going to be able to afford a house. And so maybe it's too hard in that moment to flip it to, I can afford a house, because we know what's in our bank account. Our brain is going to say, no, no, no, that's false, not true. And so it's finding those bridge thoughts to get us from where we are to where we want to be. And so it may be instead of, I can afford a house, maybe it's, I am, I am seeing all of the ways that this might be possible to get a house. And then we might be starting to see the homes that are within our price range, or we might, you know, see opportunities to make a little bit more money here and there, but finding those bridge thoughts to get us from where we are, to where we want to be, to minimize that resistance in the brain, that's going to tell us why we can't have what it is that we want. I love that bridge thought. Yeah. If you're teaching somebody to do something, modifying the steps to get there, it's not just going to start to finish, but the steps. Even communication, it's a big one. We're shaping and modeling to get to that final destination. Well, that yeah, with the money thing in the house, if you grew up poor, then you're, you don't feel like you can have wealth and accomplish these things or want to great things or have great influence. So. That's probably that suffocating. This is what was in store for my parents, and this is how I'm going to be, and that just the mindset alone. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. We keep reaffirming that I'm never going to have what it is that I want because of all these reasons. We have all of the evidence that we've already gathered. My, my self talk has always been, well, all these people have done it before me. Why can't I? Right. Yeah. That's helped me along the way a lot where it's, it's overcoming obstacles and not in that defeatist, but. Yeah. Scared, scared to go to college. Well, millions of people have graduated and I'm not, you know, I'm a person too. So I'm sure I got this and I think that that's, that's helped me along the way. Yeah. I love that you shared that. That's one of my favorites is, but why not me? Why not? And that's what we start with this, right? Is, is why not? Why not? Yeah. And, and finding out people's whys, you know, why not try new things or why not start a podcast? We're meeting amazing people and this is a lot of fun. Yeah. What I guess. Ow. Your specific career. I'm sure you've met a lot of obstacles and even getting clients to build. Cause how many empaths are, are out there? That's probably a lot, but then how many of those need coaching and very, it's a very specific thing you do. How have you overcome some of those obstacles and, and kind of built this into your career? Yeah. Well, everybody's going to have those limiting beliefs and everybody's going to have that little bit of imposter syndrome, right? It's like, but who am I to do this? Who am I? And it's not, you know, who's going to want this? And, and how is this going to manifest? You know, it's like, I don't know if anybody's going to even be interested in that. And so it does take really overcoming those insecurities in yourself. And I found too that as I work with people, sometimes I'll be working with somebody and they've actually made it, but their brain still says, yeah, but it's not going to continue. Right? So sometimes I've noticed that sometimes the brain, it just takes a little bit longer to catch up to our current circumstances. We've practiced that old way of thinking for so long. We've practiced those limiting beliefs for so long that even when we're doing great, then our brain still wants to say, yeah, but it's probably not going to stay. So just learning how the brain is going to talk to you and then manage your mind that we are not our thoughts, we're the one having these thoughts and recognizing when those limiting beliefs come up and just flipping it into, okay, well, you know, brain, you're giving me all the evidence of why this isn't going to continue to work out for me. I'm going to intentionally show you all the reasons why it is going to. I have so many more skills than I did when I first started this podcast, right? And recognizing the personal growth along the way that you're a completely different person now than you were when you first started out, but intentionally seeking out the evidences of those things when your brain wants to say, yeah, but not that big of a deal. I think that's all great. It's really helpful. And I think, yeah, the imposter syndrome and. The limiting beliefs, we all experience them, and a lot of the people in our field experience them as well, and I think the more we can talk about it, right? And they build upon each other, their momentum, and the more, well I've tried this risk, and that seemed to work out, and I want to keep learning and growing, and let's try something else, and I think that's really kind of snowballed effect for us. And now we're open to trying many things and, and different things and, uh, it looks exciting and it's fun. I've always had that if I could work at a finance job, you know, where I initially started and could have done that for 30 years and, but I almost felt like my life has already played out if I were to do that. And so let's try something else and see what else, what else is available. Yeah, what else is possible? Stepping into that conscious creator energy. It is so exciting. A conscious creator and surrendering to what might out, what might be possible. What else is out there? Yeah. Not the robot, right? Who wants to be a robot and live the life and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. That's my worst fear. Yeah. It takes a lot though to make that shift and to make that mindset shift and, and to release the past conditioning that we've had or the fears and all of the things that we live our life, like that filter that we put on everything we do. But yeah, to release all that and then step into that. What you said, creator consciousness is a creator. Yeah. Creator. Yeah. I love that because it becomes fun then. And then it becomes what next? What else could we do? Okay, I'll try it. I don't know. And I feel like for me, that has been a huge shift in what I'm what's offered to me of things to do, like just speaking at the college, even working as a Professor of psychology at a college that I never would have, and I was like, all right, why not? And then that opened up doors to so many different things that it's like, wow, I never would have thought my life would have taken this path. But it's so much more fun than what was going to be happening, staying with what I was doing with the solid and safe projected path, like you're saying. So yeah, I love that. Yeah, and that you said that you were staying where it was solid and safe, right? But so yeah, knowing that, okay, it's going to be a little bit scary. And it's also going to be awesome. Like, who knows what could happen? Yes. You've clearly bet on yourself. To us, you're thriving. How have you done that? What was it that made you say, you know what, I'm not going to stick with reflexology. I want, I want abundance. I want more. I'm going to go for it. What is that? And how do people find that in themselves? Yeah. Well, I think it's kind of what we've been talking about throughout this whole episode is, is just finding out, how can I best live in alignment with myself? And really tuning into self and recognizing where it is that you really want to invest in self, recognizing that, okay, I've been showing up in amazing ways for other people. And I've been being who other people want me to be, but that doesn't feel in alignment. And when you're not in alignment, you're not going to experience that growth and that thriving, right? We're not going to thrive when we're just trying to survive in someone else's box, but when you're able to actually tune in with, okay, how can I best live in alignment with myself? That's where you're going to thrive. That's the magic, right? That's when you're really stepping into that conscious creator, when you're confident in self, when you're willing to lean into the discomfort of trying something new, when you're willing to open yourself up. To what's possible like that is where the thriving is. And people feel that people feel when you were in alignment and their universe rewards that, right? That's where the abundance energy comes in is when you are willing to utilize the gifts that you have. You're not comparing yourself to other people. You're not saying, well, I do wish I could just change this about myself. But when you're able to fully embrace who you are and be work towards becoming aligned with himself, that's where the magic happens. That's a good sound clip. I remember that one. That was really great. Thanks for sharing that. For sure. Tell me a little bit about your social media, how you got started with that, where you're at. Do you do that all yourself? Or do you have some guidance for that? And how do people become successful? Because it's a rhythm that is quite frustrating. Oh, it really is. And I have a love hate relationship with it. I tell you what. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I do do all of my own content and everything on social media and and I do have a love hate relationship with it. I just so happened to have a video that went viral once and that was great. Not everybody has that happened to them. And it's interesting to notice. So over on my tick tock, I've got like over 12 K followers and on Facebook. I have I think I just hit 500. It's so funny to even notice my brain and how I choose to measure success. And where am I going to invest my energies? And I post the same content on all my platforms. And so it's interesting to just notice that your brain is going to tell you that, well, it must not be working very well because of your Facebook numbers. It's like, no, just me and Facebook got in a fight and that's all. It's fine. It doesn't mean anything about my worth. You know, I can still trust that I'm going to find the people that I resonate with and that they're going to find me. That it's all about vibration and they're going to show up and I'm going to show up and it's going to be magic and amazing and just having that trust that, you know, the numbers really don't matter. It's all about who you're going to be able to connect with. You have to let that go. Yeah. And then it becomes easy. Then it's, it's It's similar to this podcast. If we, nobody listened, we'd be okay because we're, we're enjoying it and meeting great people that we would have never talked to. And so just having that freedom allows, take the pressure off and then you're already one without getting the views or the numbers or whatever. Oh, absolutely. And I've told people before, I'm like, if you really want to experience personal growth, start a podcast. Yeah, you have to overcome so much fear and insecurity. You have to, you know, really tap into that bravery and also just putting your thoughts into words is so big for personal development. I got has been the number one thing that has helped me the most. I think as a person and as a coach is just having to put my experiences into words. And, and in ways that other people can understand, like it really, yeah, it's a big deal. So yeah, even if nobody listened, I would still experience so much personal growth just through the practice of showing up consistently for myself. You speak really well and, and really experienced. So it comes, it comes across. So that's, that's, that's great. Definitely. Yeah. Well, this has been amazing. Where can people find you if they want to reach out, if they want to work with you? Finding you on social media. Or your podcast or what's that called? Yeah. Give us all the info. Yeah, so I have a podcast called Inner Work with Marianne Walker. And as you guys said, it's for the empaths, the helpers, healers, people pleasers. That's who I work with over there. And then you can also find me on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram at MarianneWalker. life. And that's also my website is MarianneWalker. life. So you can find me any of those places. And yeah, I'd love to meet you. And what's next for Marianne Walker? What's in the future? Ooh, all the things I'm super excited that next month, I do, I do really want to write a book. Yes. I'm working to compile all my podcast episodes into a book and next week or not next week, next month, I'm planning to speak at the largest energy healing conference in the world. That's taking place in Sandy, Utah. And I'm super excited about that. So yeah, big things are happening and I'm excited about it. Super cool. That's so fun. Congratulations. Thank you. Exciting. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Yeah, appreciate you. Yeah. Thanks for coming out. Well, thank you so much for having me on Yeah, and I really appreciate what you guys are putting out into the world too. So yeah Thank you for letting me be a part of your community Thanks, Maria. Thank you for sure. Take care