How to Stop Fixing, Controlling, and Over-Accommodating Everyone

Healing the Fixer, the Controller, and the Victim: Trying On New Roles for Growth

Sometimes the roles we’ve played in order to survive—like the fixer, the controller, or the victim—become so familiar that we mistake them for who we truly are. But what if those identities were never you? What if they were just survival strategies… and it’s finally safe to take them off?

Today we explore how to recognize when these old roles are at play and how to shift into new, healing identities that support your growth and relationships. You’ll learn how to try on new ways of being like the accountability coach, the curious collaborator, and the hero—roles that are empowering, connected, and aligned with your healing.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• How to identify the “fixer,” “controller,” and “victim” roles when they show up in your life
• Why these identities often develop as a way to create safety in unsafe environments
• How to shift from the fixer to the accountability coach—supporting without enabling
• How to transform from the controller into the curious collaborator—inviting trust and flexibility
• How to evolve from the victim into the hero—finding your power through choice
• Questions to help you reflect on which roles you tend to wear and what it’s time to release

Challenge for the Week:
Notice when one of your old roles starts to take over—like the fixer jumping in to solve something that isn’t yours to fix. Pause. Ask yourself: “What would it feel like to choose a new identity here?” Then take one small step into a healing role, even if it feels unfamiliar.

Work With Me:
Ready to release the roles that no longer serve you? My 6-week coaching package helps empaths and HSPs reclaim their energy, rewrite their inner stories, and step fully into who they’re becoming. If you’re ready to shift from survival to thriving, click here to book your FREE consultation call to get started! 

Don’t Forget to Subscribe:
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Transcript

0:18

I saw this quote online and it really hit me. It said,"identities like the fixer, the controller, or the victim that have helped us to survive cannot be the same identities that will drive healing. For our nervous system to feel safer, new identities rooted more in truth than in wounds must emerge." That was from Awaken with Allie on Instagram, and this hit me so hard that today I wanted to kind of explore this a little bit more about how the identities that have helped us to survive, then they cannot be the same ones that are going to drive our healing and help us to step into something new. So as you listen to today's episode, I want you to reflect on the roles that you may have been playing in this life. Roles like the fixer, the controller, or the victim. Those roles were likely born from a need to feel safe, accepted, and in control in environments where you didn't feel safe and secure, but now you're allowed to want more than survival. You're allowed to want wholeness. So today we're going to be breaking down these three roles to kind of help us to better see why it is that we chose to take on that role, because we did choose it, even if it was subconsciously. What's the impact of remaining in this role, and what role might I choose to consciously step into instead? So first let's talk about the fixer. The fixer is the person who feels personally responsible for holding everything and everyone. And this identity often forms early in life, especially in families where love may be felt conditional. So you might have learned over time that being helpful or soothing others when they're upset and managing their emotions or solving problems that maybe that is what earned you attention, affection, or even just a moment of peace if you grew up in a home of chaos. The fixer believes"if I don't handle it, who will?" Or they might also believe,"I can't relax until everybody else is okay."Right? They're constantly walking on eggshells, and that's one of the reasons why they're fixing things, is because they themselves feel so anxious. So if you are the go-to person for every last minute request, if you're always the one who smooths things over, if you're always the one that is first to apologize, if you find yourself constantly cleaning up messes that aren't yours, then you might be showing up in life as a fixer. Many people pleasers live in this fixer role. And while this role can make you feel really needed, it also can become a very heavy burden because, let's be honest, it is absolutely exhausting trying to keep everything running smoothly. Fixers often carry the weight of everyone else's emotions, everyone else's responsibilities, and everyone else's mistakes, whether they're asked to do it or not. And if I'm being honest with you, one of the most common things that I hear from those that identify as the fixer is I just feel so unappreciated. I feel so unseen. And it's really frustrating because they really feel like all of their efforts to make everything okay are going unnoticed. And probably because at this point it's become expected. You've become the one who always figures it out, the one who always picks up the slack, the one who always holds the emotional load for everyone. And over time, then that becomes a quiet kind of resentment. It can also be really deeply lonely in this role. Fixers don't always feel safe asking for help because they've been cast as the one who has it all together. They're tired. But admitting that feels like a failure because of everybody else's expectations that they have chosen to adopt. And another interesting and noteworthy thing about this fixer role is that oftentimes because they're constantly fixing things for other people, even when they didn't ask for it, then this can actually rob the other person of experiencing personal growth by learning through the struggle, by learning how to fix their own problems. So you might be trying to help, but it might also be unintentionally sending the message that, Hey, I don't trust you to handle this on your own, so I better handle it. So it creates this imbalance. A lot of fixers experience, significant amounts of imbalance in relationship, and that may be one reason why. So if any of this resonates with you, I want you to hear this clearly that fixing was how you coped. It was how you tried to earn love, create safety, or reduce chaos. And it made sense then, but it might not be serving you now. And the good news is that there are healthier, more sustainable ways to move forward from this. One where you can still care deeply without sacrificing yourself just to hold everybody else together. And this is creating that shift from the fixer to the accountability coach. This identity, it still cares very deeply, but it respects boundaries, both yours and theirs. The accountability coach doesn't swoop into the rescue, but instead they believe in the growth and resilience of others. They trust that people are capable of learning through their own personal experiences, even if it's uncomfortable. In fact, especially if it's uncomfortable. So shifting into this role might sound like,"I trust that they will learn and grow in their own time.""I care enough about them to let them face the consequences of their choices.""I didn't create this mess, so it is not mine to clean up." So let's kind of look at an example. This one's an example for my personal life. For a long time I was the fixer in my family. This meant that as a parent, if my children forgot something, this might be a sack lunch, or their laptop, or their assignment that was due that day, or maybe even their instrument for band. It didn't matter what it was, I would be showing up at the school and bringing it to them to fix everything, to ultimately prevent them from experiencing a negative emotion. However, the lesson that my kids were actually learning through this was,"I don't have to worry about it. I don't even have to think about it. If I forget something, mom will fix it." But they were not learning responsibility and they were not learning accountability. And when I started to notice that it was actually happening more frequently and not less frequently, that they were forgetting things, I knew that something needed to change. I needed to step into that accountability coach energy, right? So what I told them instead was, Hey, I'm gonna give you two times throughout the entire school year where I will bring something you've forgotten. So this means that there will be two times where I will bring you your lunch, or I will bring you your flute if you've forgotten or bring you that assignment. But after that, you're gonna be a little bit uncomfortable, because I'm not gonna be able to bring it to you. And that's not me being a hurtful parent, but it's me teaching them accountability that, yeah, it's pretty uncomfortable for my daughter, for example, to sit and play a pretend air flute when she's forgotten something, when she's showing up at band. But also that discomfort is an amazing teacher. And once I started doing that, my kids were forgetting things less and less, and soon I never even had to worry about it. I didn't even have to bring things twice. I just knew that they'd figure it out and it would be okay. It would be off of my shoulders, and it actually benefited both of us for me to step into that accountability coach energy and step out of that fixer energy, So what does this look like for you? Maybe a friend constantly overshares and emotionally dumps on you and really is expecting you to always fix what's going wrong. In their life, the fixer part of you might wanna jump in and say, oh, I know exactly how you should handle this Here, hand me your phone. I'll draft the text. Right? We'd be stepping in and doing it for them. But the accountability coach, it shows up a bit differently. The accountability coach might instead create some self-reflection for this friend asking, well, that really sounds hard. How are you thinking about navigating that? What are you gonna do? It's creating an environment where they're now self-reflecting so that they can learn how to solve their own problems. The accountability coach, they don't stop caring, but they do stop over-functioning. And I'm going to say that again because it's a big deal. The accountability coach doesn't stop caring, but they do stop over functioning. They stop stepping in when it's not their role. And in doing so, they create space for others to grow and they create space to allow themselves to rest. And yeah, this shift does take courage and it might feel like you're abandoning people at first, but in reality, you are modeling what healthy support actually looks like. You're no longer trying to earn love by fixing everything, but instead you are choosing to love yourself and them enough to step back and allow them space to step up. All right. Let's talk about the second role, the controller. This identity is often born from chaos, so maybe growing up things were really unpredictable for you or maybe even felt unsafe for you in the home. You never knew what version of someone would be walking through the door at the end of the day or when the next emotional explosion would happen. So you adapted. You learned to manage what you could, so you learned to manage your space, your schedule, and other people's reactions. Now, notice that last one, because I know a lot of you are saying, well, I can tune out this one because I'm not controlling. I'm a nice person. I'm not controlling. But this one might be a little bit more subtle than you think. So this one might look like jumping up off of the couch as soon as your partner's coming home in an attempt to control their perception of what it is that you've been doing all day. It might look like taking on the lion's share of the load due to the belief that other people aren't going to do it right, so you never let them try. It might look like attempting to control other people's emotional reactions to things by trying to fix things or coerce them out of their emotion. So it may not appear very controlling on the surface, but the controlling is definitely there. It might also look like"knowing" what's best for somebody else and attempting to control their diet, their behaviors, or their habits. I. It comes from a loving place, but it can quickly feel like overstepping, which oftentimes creates defensiveness rather than that care and connection that you're hoping it will create in relationship. And eventually control may become part of your armor. It gives you a sense of safety, but that sense of safety comes at a cost. So you might recognize the controller. If you've ever said things like, why can't they just do it the right way? Don't they know that I know what's best for them? If I don't oversee everything, it's going to fall apart, or even I can't relax unless I'm in charge, so that I know that it's getting done right. The controller often carries a lot of hidden anxiety. There's a little bit of bracing that's happening underneath the surface, so they're essentially always anticipating what might go wrong and then trying to head it off before it does go wrong, and that's exhausting. And when things don't go as planned, it can feel like your entire nervous system is an overdrive. And what's even harder is that control tends to push people away. So you may genuinely want to have connection, collaboration, or closeness, but your need to manage or micromanage how other people are showing up can make them feel suffocated or resistant to having more intimate connection with you, which only reinforces the belief that, well, if I don't do it myself, it won't get done. Right. And then that rigidity, it can leave you feeling isolated. Resentful and exhausted from having to carry the mental and emotional weight of everyone else's actions. You might appear to have it altogether on the outside, right? That's what control wants us to believe is, I have it altogether, it's gonna be just fine. But inside you're constantly on edge waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Control at its root is fear in disguise. It is a fear of being hurt. It's a fear of being disappointed. It's a fear that if you loosen your grip, even the tiniest bit, everything will fall apart. And yet maybe part of you knows that it is time to loosen that grip, even if it feels really scary. So let's talk about how to shift that controller energy and the antidote for controller energy is the curious collaborator, The identity of the curious collaborator is still thoughtful, intentional, and well grounded, but it also brings a sense of openness to the relationship, a willingness to see what's possible once you release the need to control everything and invite in that curiosity instead. The curious collaborator doesn't assume that their way is the only way or the only"right" way. But instead then they ask, Hey, how might this play out? Is there some middle ground that we could find here? What could I learn from this person or this situation? And what feedback might they have around this as well? What might they be seeing that I'm not seeing? It brings in that curiosity piece. This role is less about control and more about connection. It honors your voice without needing to be the dominant voice in the room. It also allows you to be flexible, creative, and open to the unexpected, even when it's uncomfortable. So let's say for example, that you're planning a family vacation. The controller in you wants to create the entire itinerary. It wants to decide where to eat, what to do, how long you stay. It has a lot of big ideas and really thinks that it's right and everything that yes, this is the way to vacation, and you also might be thinking, well, if I don't plan it, it's just gonna be chaotic, so I need to make this plan and enforce the plan so everybody will have a good time. But the curious collaborator might instead pause and say, Hey, I wonder what's important to everyone on this trip. What would make it more meaningful to you? What does the right balance of planned and unplanned activities look like for you? It's inviting in the other people into the conversation. And then here's the hard part. You actually let the other people contribute, even if it's not the way that you would do it. And this doesn't mean that you have to roll over and do everything the way that they would. Right. That's just shifting the control where now you are a hundred percent in control to now you're putting them a hundred percent in control. It's not that, but it's instead that collaborative curiosity. And it's also being okay if they decide they wanna do something, it's being okay with, okay, and I'm going to let myself go do this other thing at the same time, if we have different paces when it comes to the number of activities, be okay with doing some things on your own and let them find the rest that they need, it's going to create significantly more connection in relationship. A controller in relationship might be saying things like, well, this is the way that we always do things. Or they might say something like, well, no, this is how we're supposed to divide up our home duties. Or they might say, this is the way that we're supposed to or not supposed to use our money. You are doing it wrong. Right. It makes it about who is right instead of what is right, but the curious collaborator, on the other hand, they're going to ask and not tell. Okay? So for example, they might ask, Hey, what feels most supportive for you in this moment? Or they might say, I wonder if there's a way that we can approach this together. What might it look like for us to collaborate together on this? Or what do you think a fair division of labor might look like? What are your financial goals? It's opening it up to discussion rather than having it be a lecture. And this shift, it doesn't mean that you're letting go of your standards or that you're abandoning structure altogether, but it does mean that you stop assuming that you are the only one that knows best. It means that you'll lean into trust instead of clinging to control. And yeah, it does require a significant amount of vulnerability. Yes, it may feel messy at first and really uncomfortable, but that vulnerability is also where the deeper connection lives in relationship. It's where collaboration grows. It's where you stop trying to manage life like a machine and instead start engaging with life like it's an adventure. And as you step into this role of the curious collaborator, you might actually find that you're more on the same page than you think. All right, so now let's talk about the third role, the victim. This identity can be the hardest one to admit to because it's not about weakness, but it's more about wounding.\ And it often develops when somebody's needs, were consistently dismissed invalidated or ignored. So over time, you may have even learned that speaking up doesn't help that asking for what it is that you need in relationship, it only led to rejection or punishment, so you stopped trying. And instead you internalized the belief that you're powerless in this situation. So you might recognize this role coming up for you if you've ever said, well, it doesn't matter what I do, nothing ever changes. Other people always seem to have the upper hand. I guess this is just how it's going to be. So what's the point of even trying anymore? This seems to be working for them, but it really isn't working for me. People in this role often feel invisible, unheard, and completely depleted. They may avoid setting boundaries or making requests because deep down they've convinced themselves that it's not even worth it, and that's the heartbreak of this role, it keeps you small in an effort to stay safe. When you live in the victim role for too long, your sense of agency slowly erodes. You start believing that you don't have a choice in the matter, that nothing that you do matters, and that's really a painful and lonely place to live. And the real tragedy is that it's not laziness or weakness that keeps people stuck here. But it's grief. It's grief over not feeling heard over not having the support that you deserved over having your voice ignored for so long that it has started to feel useless to use it. But here's the truth. If you're listening to this podcast, there is still a voice inside of you that believes that something else is possible, that believes that healing is available, that believes that you do have power, even if it's been buried. So the antidote to the victim, it isn't pretending that everything is fine, right? That's that toxic positivity, but instead it is stepping into the identity of the hero. The hero doesn't wait to be rescued. The hero recognizes that they are the one that they themselves have been waiting for. It's being proactive. So the hero says, I am setting boundaries to keep myself safe. I am allowed to take up space and to speak my truth. I may not control everything, but I can choose how I respond to the situation. This isn't about becoming hyper independent or emotionless. The hero feels deeply, and the hero also chooses to take action anyway. They own their story, even the hard parts, they advocate for themselves. They speak up even when their voice shakes. And what's really interesting is oftentimes in stories, the hero doesn't know that they're a hero. We know that as we're reading the story, we know that as we're watching the movie, we know who the hero is. But in the beginning. The hero doesn't know. The hero is feeling insecure. They're feeling uncertain, but they keep moving forward because they know what's right, and that's where the real hero energy lies. So let's say that you're in a relationship where your feelings are constantly being dismissed. The victim identity might say"they're never gonna change, and I don't know what to do," right? I don't know. Is. A very common thought that comes up for victims. They don't know a way out. They don't know how to change things. They don't know if things are ever going to change. They're really stuck and I don't know. But the hero identity instead says even if they don't change, I can change. I can choose to express what it is that I need. I can choose to walk away if I'm not being respected. Another example is maybe you're stuck in a job that drains you. The victim energy might say, I'm stuck. I don't have any options. I'm just gonna work this awful job for the rest of my life. Whereas the hero energy says, yes, change is hard and I'm going to start making a plan. I deserve to be in a place that values me. Victim energy may even try to placate and people please their way out of a situation, which ironically can lead to even more victimization. For example, the victim might be thinking, well, maybe if I do this for them, then they'll start to treat me better. But hero energy acknowledges that I have been showing up consistently in the best way that I've known how, and I get to choose what it is that I need to keep myself safe moving forward. Moving forward, I can choose to spend more time with people that help me feel good about myself rather than those who always leave me begging for scraps. You might feel resistance to these changes at first because the victim identity can feel so familiar, right? With all of these identities when you've been there for long enough, it feels very familiar, and the brain associates familiarity with safety. So check in with how you feel. Are you happy? Do you have moments of joy? Do you want things to change? Do you find yourself constantly wondering and looking for like an exit strategy, right? How can I get outta the situation? If so, try shifting that identity, the victim identity, it can feel safer to stay in the story of, well, this always happens to me, that can feel safer than risking disappointing yourself or disappointing others by changing the status quo. But remember that the hero doesn't wait until they feel completely ready. They don't wait until they have a full army on their side or until everything is perfect and everything is all lined up, so there's gonna be zero discomfort. The hero moves forward even when they're scared. The hero moves forward even when it's messy, and they move forward through all of that because they're prioritizing bravery over fear. Bravery is simply leaning into the unknown, so be brave enough to make those shifts. Heroes know that speaking up may ruffle feathers. That claiming space might make other people uncomfortable, but they also know that lasting peace only comes when you stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace. You are not powerless, and you never were powerless. You were just surviving. And now you're ready to lead yourself somewhere new. You were meant to reclaim your agency, your voice, and your truth. So here's your challenge for this week, is acknowledge what role it is that you have been playing in your life, and then think about what role you'd like to play instead. Life is a choose your own adventure book. Okay? So look at what it is that you're currently living. So if your life was a book right now, what character would you be playing? And then play around with different characters and see how they feel. You are on your own hero's journey and often the hero isn't born until they faced significant hardship. So even if you are struggling right now, be willing to take a step into that new role. You are on your own hero's journey. And if you need to kind of look around at books and movies and identify the characters and the different roles that they play, identify how it is that they're showing up, and then try on a few of those roles. So maybe you're shifting into one of the roles that we're trying today, or maybe you're making shifts in other ways. So maybe you're shifting from being the quiet and shy kid to becoming the confident speaker. Maybe you're shifting from the damsel and distress to the empowered empress. Maybe you're shifting from the understudy to the main character in your life. I have an archetype deck that I pull out from time to time just to look at different roles and to kind of see what might be fun to kind of feel into that day, to kind of just experiment with the different energies that I am currently playing and also. Like what might happen if I shifted into other energies for a season? So pick one archetype. Maybe it's the explorer, the sage, the artist, the mentor, the lover, the advocate. But choose one role and really live into it for a week and see how it is that you feel. And I get it that it can feel funny sometimes stepping into a role that's so different from the one that you've been playing. But I want you to think of it as just trying on a new style of clothing. It might feel a little bit awkward at first as you're trying on something new, but maybe there are cuts and colors that would just feel a little bit better for you and fit better the person who you want to become. So play around with it and see how it feels. Maybe spend one week acting as a different character in your life and just see which character feels the most natural for you. Which one feels the most empowering for you, additionally, once you've identified what role you wanna step into, I want you to do one small thing each day as your new identity. So speak up, let go. Stay curious. Say no. Whatever it is that that person would do, do it. Do it at least once per day for a week. And just see how it feels. Notice how your body responds, how your nervous system feels. You may feel resistance at first, and that's okay because growth always comes with a little bit of discomfort. So if this episode stirred something in you and you're ready for support in shifting your identity and regulating your nervous system, I would love to work with you. I offer one-on-one coaching specifically for the empaths and the highly sensitive people navigating these exact shifts. You do not have to make these shifts alone. We can do it together. You can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life. You can come to my website, www.maryannwalker.life, or you can find me on social media where my handle is. You guessed it.@maryannwalker.life. So come and find me and let's explore this together. I. And hey, before you go, will you please make sure that you are subscribed here to the podcast so that you don't miss any upcoming episodes? We're gonna be talking about healing, identity work, emotional processing, and living life from your truth, not your trauma. So thank you so much for being here. I do see your growth, your courage, and your heart. So keep going and let's talk soon. All right, have a great week, and I'll see you next time. Bye now.